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May 24, 2017

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I’m numb.
I feel nothing and everything at the same time.
I’m numb.
Regret. Pain. Hopelessness.
I’m numb.
Uselessness. Emptiness. Disappearance.
I’m numb.
Nothing.
Everything.
Finality. Gone.
She’s gone.

She will live on in our hearts, they tell us.
She will never truly die if we don’t let her, they tell us.

But do they also tell us
That it’s okay that you failed,
That you couldn’t save her?
No, they don’t.
Because it’s not, and it never will be.

It’s a day later
And I’m still stuck on those stairs
Watching the life drain out of her incredible soul,
Once so joyful, once so inspiring, once so uplifting.
How can the world go on without her here?
It won’t, that’s the honest truth.
The chill-inducing truth
The bone-shattering truth
That she’s gone
And no one can do anything about it.
Not even me,
Who has jumped worlds and crossed timelines
To make it back to this woman
In whom I have invested so much love,
And who has made me stronger than steel
And more alive than a rushing current
And more hopeful than I could ever be.

Without her, will I be any of these?
Will I be strong?
She would want me to be strong.
Will I feel alive?
She would tell me I can feel alive.
Will I ever experience hope again?
She would look at me with those entrancing brown eyes,
And tell me that happiness is right around the corner.

The truth
The chill-inducing truth
The bone-shattering truth
Is that I can’t be strong without her.
I don’t feel alive without her.
And I have no hope without her.

I’m numb.
I don’t feel nothing.
I feel everything.
She was everything,
And she will never leave me.
And I will never leave her.