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masons are probably not to be trusted

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So fortunato: total dick. always been a dick. bitch done gone too far this time tho, so I’m like “yo i am Not putting up with this shit anymore.”

but you know, you can’t respond to a dick move with another dick move, you have to make your next move so monumentally dickish that the original dick would never do this shit again. and of course you have to respond, like come on. I’m not about to let fortunato walk all over me.

obviously, i don’t tell him this, so every time i smile around him now, get this, is because im thinking about, like, a building falling on him.


the frustrating thing here is that me and fortunato are pretty similar. we’re pretty big wine snobs (and that’s at least one thing fortunato has going for him).


Anyway, so I bump into Fortunato at this halloween party one night - he’s clearly been partying, because he drunk-hugs me - and for once i was totally hyped to see him because this was perfect timing.

“nice costume!” I tell him (as if. a joker costume - and not even the, yknow, original joker, but, like, the jared leto version. anyway, whatever) “actually, it’s lucky we ran into each other because, ok, I bought this thing of Amontillado the other day, and I’m not sure it’s the real deal.”

“amontillado? no way” he says “seriously, no way”

“yeah, i know, but i couldn’t reach you at the time for your expert advice, and - can you imagine if i let that go?”

anyway, we go back and forth for a bit, and then I drop the bomb - “well, but you’re busy, it’s cool, I can just check with Luchresi, that’s a dude who knows his wine-”

“Luchresi doesn’t know Shit about wine”

“I dunno, that’s not what I hear”

so then, he goes “nah, bro, we’re doing this. we’re checking this out”

I’m like “nah, you’re busy, i don’t want you to get sick, my crazy wine vaults are damp and gross as hell, it’s cool-” and he’s like “no, dude, it’s cool, I can’t let you ask fucking Luchresi about this, seriously, he’s an idiot”, so we go to my house (and because I’m not an idiot, it’s totally empty, gave the maid the night off)


we head down to the vaults and my sweet collection of wine, and that’s when his cough starts really kicking in, because seriously, damp as hell. I’m like “seriously, this isn’t worth it, if you get sick because of this I’ll feel bad. I’ll just check with Luchresi-”

and he’s like, get this, he goes “nah, cough won’t kill me”

and i’m like “you got that right”

at any rate, I get him some wine, because, hello, we’re in a wine cellar.


so, we’re drinking, we’re wandering through the wine vaults, he asks what my family’s motto is, you know, we’re bonding

and then, he flashes the Mason’s sign at me, which I a hundred percent do not get at first, but like after he explains it, I’m like - to myself, obviously - “holy shit talk about some fucking irony there, I have a fucking trowel in my coat”

so i’m like, “yeah, sure I’m a mason” and he’s like “whoa this is a sign” and i’m like “you damn betcha it is”


so now, we’re like hella underground, we have passed through all of my wine, we’re passing through some crypts because i am all about the poetic messages here, and I’m like “yeah, sure, the Amontillado, it’s in the Big Room right through This dark creepy passageway” and he steps through and basically immediately runs into the wall, because, psych, not a big room, and also he’s pretty drunk by now.


Because I’m a regular boy scout, I came down here like a week ago to install a chain, and now here’s my chance to chain him to the wall, which i do. he’s like “…what?”

and i’m like “you know, you should have just said ‘nah, a dark creepy wine cellar? no way!’, but you didn’t. at any rate -”

and he’s like “but the wine???”

and i’m like “yeah totally”

and, again, because i’m a total boy scout, I already have some bricks and mortar set up, and i brick him in, joker costume and all.


The End