Chapter 1: Chapter 1
1 June 2017
Group message: Sherlock Holmes, John Watson, Greg Lestrade, Mrs. Hudson, Molly Hooper, Mycroft Holmes
SH: Where is my skull
GL: Inside your head, hopefully?
JW: He's talking about the one keeps on the mantel
JW: Did this really require a group text?
MoH: Ooh, I love grouptexts!
MH: Please remove me from this thread.
MrsH: Who is texting me? Who are all of you?
SH: Where is my skull
MrsH: Sherlock? Is that you?
JW: Sherlock, why would anybody take your skull?
JW: Mrs. Hudson, it's a group text
JW: Don't worry about it, I'll come down and add everyone to your address book
SH: One day ago my skull was in its normal location. Now it is gone. You have all been to 221B in the previous 24 hours. Conclusion: one of you has it.
MoH: It's not me. I try to stay away from body parts when not at work. Ha ha
MH: Please remove me from this thread.
GL: Why d'you think one of us has taken it?
JW: Because he's mad
MrsH: I'll come help you look for it if you'd like
MrsH: I'm good at that. Last week I found a pair of your pants under the sofa, remember?
SH: That was not necessary to share with the entire group, Mrs. Hudson.
GL: I disagree, mate
GL: Find anything else at Baker Street recently Mrs. H?
SH: Do not answer him.
JW: You've no one to blame but yourself, Sherlock
MrsH: I'm not their housekeeper!
MoH: Why were you pants under the sofa?
MoH: Nevermind, I'd actually rather not know
MH: Please remove me from this thread.
SH has changed name of grouptext to Where Is My Skull
2 June 2017
SH: I am serious about one you needing to return my skull.
GL: I'm serious about finding out why you were taking your pants off in the living room
JW: Rosie was helping me fold laundry and she stashed a few bits and pieces around
SH: "Helping" is a generous word.
SH: My sock index will likely never recover.
MoH: Your WHAT?
JW: Oh my god don't get him started
JW: His drawers are the work of someone with moderate to severe OCD
JW: And yet I'm not sure he's ever cleaned a dish in his life
SH: That's rich coming from someone who didn't notice I was using the toilet brush to grow mould cultures for almost a year.
MrsH: And it's not like the two of you even OWN a hoover
MrsH: They've been borrowing mine for ten years!
MH: Please remove me from this thread.
SH: We are getting off topic. The topic of this conversation is MY SKULL.
GL: What would any of us do with your skull? Normal people don't have any use for skulls
GL: Unless someone's performing Hamlet?
MrsH: I'm coming upstairs now, I'm sure we'll find it in no time
MrsH: Do you want any tea?
MrsH: Just this once
SH: Yes, thank you.
JW: Me as well, if the kettle's on, ta
SH: Update for all interested parties - skull found in Rosie's toy chest.
GL: Lovely. Really nailing that whole 'raising a normal kid' thing, well done both of you
JW: Thanks Greg, appreciate it
Chapter 2: Chapter 2
16 June 2017
GL: Has anyone seen Sherlock? He's not answering his phone
GL: I've got a case
GL has changed name of Where Is My Skull to Sherlock GPS System
MoH: Haven't seen him since yesterday when he stopped by to pick up a bunch of blood and told me my hair wasn't thinning as much as I thought it was
MoH: Almost none of those details were necessary, in retrospect
MrsH: I agree with him, Molly!
MrsH: Your hair is still lovely, you've got quite a few years left before you go downhill
MrsH: I'm in Yorkshire for the weekend so no idea on Sherlock but I bet John would know!
MH: Please remove me from this thread.
MH: Unless Sherlock is actually missing, at which point please contact me directly, and then remove me from this thread.
JW: He's at home, his mobile’s out of commission
GL: Out of commission?
JW: He's been on a YouTube kick and he discovered Will It Blend
MoH: He DIDN'T!
JW: Oh, he did
MrsH: What did he do?
MrsH: What's "Will It Blend"?
JW: Don't worry about it
JW: You'll have a new blender by the time you're back from Yorkshire
JW: I think he's going to st
JW: Lestrade, this had better be a 7 or above. SH
GL: They've found a body frozen straight through in Wembley
JW: Frozen? It's June. SH
GL: It gets better
GL: They can't get it to defrost.
JW: Delightful. Text John the address. SH
JW: I hope I'm not on any watch lists now that my mobile has texted the word "Delightful" about a murder
JW: It's John again by the way
JW: If that wasn't clear
MrsH: Sounds like a good one, boys, can't wait to read about it on the blog!
MH: I wouldn't worry about it, John.
MH: You're on every watch list already.
Chapter 3: Chapter 3
28 June 2017
JW: Hello all, sorry to bring this thing back from the dead but you're all invited to Rosie's birthday this Saturday
JW: 2 pm at our place
JW: and please don't bring presents because Sherlock's already bought her enough nonsense to last her til her next birthday
SH: Thank you for referring to my educational gifts as "nonsense".
SH: Clearly you don't want a present for YOUR next birthday.
JW: You've NEVER gotten me a birthday present
JW: Do you even know when my birthday is???
GL: March, isn't it mate?
GL: Oh, that was for Sherlock
SH: I was about to say March but Lestrade beat me to it.
JW: A likely story
GL: Can you two keep your domestics off the group text?
JW: Anyway please let me know if you're coming so we get enough food
JW: Also Sherlock is doing the decor if that's of any interest
MoH: Sherlock's decorating? I've got to see this
MoH: Of course I would have come anyway! Sherlock's not the draw! Ha ha!
SH: That was meant to be a secret John.
GL has changed name of Sherlock GPS System to Baker Street Party Planners
JW: I think they would have guessed when they spotted that the cutouts are little magnifying glasses and skeletons
MrsH: I'll be there obviously!
MrsH: But will not be doing the cleanup this year just a reminder. Not your housekeeper!
GL: Wouldn't miss it John, as long as we can have the Chelsea game on in the background yeah?
MH: I will be in attendance.
SH: You were not invited Mycroft.
MH: I'm on this group text am I not?
MH: Though I would of course prefer to be removed.
JW: Of course you’re invited Mycroft, ignore him
MH: See you all Saturday.
1 July 2017
JW: Any chance anyone can pick up a cake on their way?
JW: There's been a bit of a mishap here
GL: Rosie get to it already?
JW: Sherlock actually. [Photo - fridge.jpg - 1.7.2017 12:39 pm]
SH: It was only a small explosion.
MoH: I'll stop at Tesco
SH: Maybe Mycroft won't come if there's no cake?
SH: Silver linings and all.
MH: Nice try, little brother. I'm already on my way.
SH has removed MH from Baker Street Party Planners
SH has added MH to Baker Street Party Planners
JW: Apparently he decided it's a bigger punishment to keep you in than to kick you out
Chapter 4: Chapter 4
16 July 2017
MoH: Hello friends! I'm off to Santorini next month for a girls weekend and trying to get fit before I go swimsuit shopping, haha
MoH: All the blogs say that you do better with an accountability buddy so would anyone like to train with me?
MoH: Nothing too strenuous, just lifting weights, perhaps a jog in the park, maybe an occasional dance class
MrsH: I'd love to dear, but you know all about my hip
MrsH: Send pictures from Greece! I met a lovely boy there when I was your age
MrsH: Don't forget to pack your best intimates
JW: Well there's an image I won't soon get out of my head
JW: Good for you Molly, but I think I get enough exercise these days chasing my two year old and the occasional criminal
SH: I'll do it.
GL: I'm sorry, WHAT?
GL: Is that really you?
GL: Have you been kidnapped? Should I start a search and rescue?
SH: I'm more used to bare knuckle boxing but I suppose dancing is not out of the question.
GL: This is the best day of my life
GL: Please send pictures
JW: I'll second that.
MH: Third, and I'll pay for them, Ms. Hooper
SH: Taking this to private text.
18 July 2017
MoH: Hello from Regent's Park! We're off for a jog, cheer us on!
MoH: [Photo - SherlockRunning.jpg - 18.7.2017 17:45 pm]
GL: He's barely in that one Molly, you can do better
MoH: He keeps running away when I'm trying to take a photo
MoH: I didn't even know he owned trainers?
JW: He bought them yesterday
SH: I would have run in my YSL's but John said no.
GL has changed Baker Street Party Planners to #Fitspiration
SH: What is "fitspiration."
GL: I dunno, Molly keeps posting about it on Facebook
MoH: It’s meant to be motivating you know?
MoH: Things like "The first step of the personal fitness journey is accepting that you deserve a great body!"
GL: Oh god that's awful
GL has changed #Fitspiration to #AnythingButFitspiration
JW: Aren't you two supposed to be jogging instead of texting?
MoH: We've taken a break
MoH: Sherlock's getting a pastry actually
JW: I made him a sandwich for lunch and he didn't touch it but now he's getting a pastry?
MoH: [Photo - SherlockCroissant.jpg - 18.7.2017 18:22 pm]
SH: I'm expending energy whilst jogging and I require sustenance.
SH: I'll thank you all to stay out of my personal fitness journey.
Chapter 5: Chapter 5
29 July 2017
SH: Rosie has something to share with all of you.
SH: [Video - RosieABCs.jpg - 29.7.2017 19:08]
MoH: Oh that's the cutest thing ever
MrsH: Well done Rosie!
MrsH: Now that she’s mastered it, perhaps you can stop singing it yourself Sherlock? I can hear you from down here!
GL: Wild Saturday night over at Baker Street I see
SH: For some more than others.
SH: John's on a date.
MoH: Oooh is he?
JW: It's not a date
JW: Just an old friend from uni in town
GL: You shouldn't be texting when you’re on a date
SH: She's in the bathroom or he wouldn't be.
JW: It’s not a date!
SH: She thinks it's a date.
JW: Well, I can't help that, can I
MrsH: You looked very smart in your jumper when you left! I'm sure your date agrees!
MoH: Which jumper did he wear?
SH: The grey one with the stripes. Gift from Harry, Christmas 2016.
MoH: Ooh that one is lovely, very form fitting too.
MoH: Though personally I'm always partial to a nice button down on dates
MoH: Not that I go on that many! Haha!
GL: Why do you all keep track of John's clothes?! Women are mad
GL: *women and Sherlock Holmes
JW: Hear hear
GL has changed the name of #AnythingButFitspiration to The Bachelor Viewing Party
JW: fuck off greg
30 July 2017
GL: So how was the date? Spill, Watson
SH: He arrived home after 3.
SH: Deduce from that what you will.
GL: Cheers mate
MrsH: Oooh exciting! I'll be expecting all the details at tea today!
MoH: Yay John!
MH: The British Government extends its congratulations, Dr. Watson.
JW: I hate all of you
Chapter 6: Chapter 6
These folks just won't stop texting each other, so I've extended the number of chapters accordingly. Thank you so much to everyone who's been reading along - it's such a pleasure to hear from you!
8 August 2017
GL: So what ever happened to last week’s date, John? Another date anytime soon???
JW: You do know you can just text me things like this directly
GL: Yeah, but then you’d have to have the same conversation with everybody
GL: Waste of time
GL: I’m looking out for you, really
JW: Lucky me
GL has changed The Bachelor Viewing Party to The Bachelor Recaps
MrsH: Ooh do tell!
MoH: Yes, we all want to hear!
SH: Frankly I’m more interested in the liver waiting for me in the freezer.
GL: Well you don’t have to read along then
JW: There’s nothing to tell really
JW: It was nice to catch up with her
JW: And to get out a bit
SH: You get out all the time. We went out today.
JW: We went to the morgue
JW: Bit different
JW: No offense Molly
MoH: Oh none taken!
MoH: So are you seeing her again?
SH: Our trip to the morgue was very satisfactory. I got my liver after all.
JW: She lives in Yorkshire
JW: So I don’t think so
MrsH: Too bad dear
MrsH: Someone closer to home next time perhaps?
SH: It’s a particularly diseased one which is always quite useful.
GL: Ah well, better luck next time
SH: The liver’s owner clearly had a gambling problem.
MoH: How could you possibly know that from his liver?
GL: There’s a new social worker my department’s liaising with who you might like
GL: Want an introduction?
SH: [Photo - Liver 1 of 6.jpg - 8.8.2017 17:19]
MrsH: Oh Sherlock you’ve put me right off my tea with that
JW: Thanks for the offer, Greg, but I don’t have much time for dating anyway
JW: Sherlock please tell me you’re not going to send five more photos of that liver
SH: [Photo - Liver 2 of 6.jpg - 8.8.2017 17:22]
JW: Right, I’m going to go take away his phone
GL: Much appreciated mate
Chapter 7: Chapter 7
11 August 2017
SH: EMERGENCY AT 221B.
MoH: Like actually??
MoH: What can I do???
MrsH: Shall I come home from the spa?
GL: I can have an ambulance there in 5 mins
MH: I can have one there in 4.
GL: Sherlock please reply
SH: We're out of nappies.
GL: That's not an EMERGENCY you git
GL: I've sent an officer around for Christ’s sake
GL: Drama queen
MrsH: Oh you know how he is Detective Inspector.
SH: I don’t understand in what sense this is NOT an emergency.
GL: In the sense of the TECHNICAL DEFINITION of emergency!
SH: John will be at the clinic for another four hours. I cannot let Rosie run around without clothes for that long.
SH: Though to be fair she’s already spent several minutes in the nude and is no worse for the wear.
MoH: Shouldn't she be toilet training by now?
MoH: Not that I really know anything about babies!
MH: Sherlock didn't get out of nappies until he was three.
MH: At first I thought he was slow, but ultimately he was just being difficult.
MH: How little has changed.
MrsH: Children go at their own pace! I can just picture Sherlock at three in nappies. How sweet. Back to my manicure now xx
SH: One of these days I will end you Mycroft.
SH: No one has addressed my emergency.
SH: Soon I shall have to make her a nappy out of one of John's ugliest jumpers and some safety pins.
SH: Actually that sounds perfect.
GL: Can't help you, some of us are at work dealing with REAL emergencies
MoH: I'm at work too, can't you just run to the store?
SH: Rosie is refusing to put clothes on so I believe taking her to Tesco in this state would be frowned upon.
MH: A courier will arrive in less than twenty minutes.
MH: You’re welcome.
JW: Jesus Christ Sherlock
JW: I came back to my mobile to 34 messages and you yelling about an emergency
JW: Nearly had a heart attack
JW: I swear to god
JW: We'll be talking about texting etiquette tonight
GL has changed The Bachelor Recaps to Mycroft Holmes Nappy Delivery Service
Chapter 8: Chapter 8
19 August 2017
GL: Anyone want to grab dinner or a drink tonight?
GL: I was going to stay in but I've just solved a case and feel like celebrating
SH: You solved one without me? Well done, you.
GL: I solve most of my cases without you actually
GL: You're not invited now, how's that
SH: I didn't want to go anyway.
JW: Sounds good Greg, where and when?
SH: Oh so I'm meant to stay in and watch Rosie then?
JW: You just said you didn't want to go!
SH: Perhaps I have other plans.
SH: Molly, would you like to see a film tonight?
GL: Hang on, you can't go and make other plans just so John and I can't go out
MoH: I WAS hoping to see the new Tom Cruise one actually
SH: Lovely, pick me up at 7
MoH: Oh I'm picking you up? All right
MoH: Not that I thought it was a date or anything!
JW: Sherlock, you hate Tom Cruise
SH: No I don't.
SH: You don't know who I hate.
JW: You've deleted everything he's ever been in
GL: So now John's staying in and Sherlock and Molly are going to the cinema
GL: Have we all forgotten that I was the one who wanted to go out in the first place?!
MrsH: Oh for heavens sake you all know I'll be happy to mind the baby
MrsH: We go to bed at the same time anyway
JW: Mrs. Hudson that's very kind but not necessary
GL: Don't listen to John, that's very kind AND very necessary, ta
MrsH: Don't mention it boys!
SH: John's right, I do hate Tom Cruise, I've just looked him up.
SH: He reminds me of a serial killer I captured in 2005.
SH: That's not why I hate him, though. Just an interesting additional fact.
MoH: Oh all right then
SH: Why don't you come over and we'll have a Bond marathon.
JW: Oh you'll enjoy that Molly. He's got very strong feelings about Q branch
MoH: Sounds good!
SH: You as well Mrs. Hudson.
MrsH: Wouldn't miss it dear.
SH: Q Branch is absurd! They would never make anything that specific and anyway they contract that sort of thing out to the Americans for the most part.
SH: Isn't that right Mycroft?
MH: No comment.
GL: Honestly that sounds like more fun than my local
JW: I was hoping you'd say that
GL: See you all soon
9 September 2017
GL: John, has Sherlock got anything on?
GL: I’ve texted him but he just sent me a random string of letters followed by an emoji of a satellite dish
GL: I didn’t even know there WAS a satellite dish emoji
JW: He’s given his mobile to Rosie
JW: He’s not got anything at the moment but he says he’s doing an experiment
JW: I’m fairly certain it’s an experiment to see how best to drive me round the twist by being the most annoying person on the planet
SH: I am in this grouptext you realize John.
JW: Yeah I hadn’t forgotten
GL: Sherlock, I’ve got a case
GL: Murder at LSE
GL: Quite a bloody one too
SH: Probably a professor killed by an angry student.
GL: Hang on, I haven’t even said anything about it yet
GL: Although it was a professor
GL: But term hasn’t started yet, there aren’t any students around
GL: Just come round for a bit
GL: We’re still looking for the murder weapon
JW: Yeah he’s given his mobile back to Rosie, sorry
GL: Show him this for me, will you?
GL: [Photo - Crime Scene 1.jpg - 9.9.2017 16:01]
MrsH: Well isn’t that terrible
MrsH: It looks very interesting, Sherlock, you ought to take a look!
MoH: Wow, and here I’ve only been dealing with heart disease and lung cancer all week! lol
MoH: Sorry, “lol” wasn’t quite right for the situation
MoH: Medical examiner humour, you know, haha
MoH: I oughtn’t say “haha” either
MoH: I’m just shutting up now
SH: Hm. Send another.
GL: [Photo - Crime Scene 2.jpg - 9.9.2017 16:03]
SH: No students around, you said? But other professors surely.
GL: Yeah, a few. He was found by someone else from his department
GL: Looks like he was quite accomplished. Lots of awards and things on the desk
JW: Maybe professional jealousy?
SH: Send a photo.
GL: Of the crime scene?
GL: Just come down here, will you?
SH: No, of the professor who found him. I’ve learned everything I can from your poorly lit crime scene photos, obviously.
JW: Obviously, he says
GL: Dunno what good it’ll do, but here you go
GL: [Photo - Crime Scene 3.jpg - 9.9.2017 16:08]
SH: As expected.
SH: Arrest the dead man’s wife.
GL: Hang on
GL: I never even said he was married
SH: You didn’t have to, he’s got a photo of his family facing outward on his desk. Even with the blood splatter you should be able to tell what a family looks like, Lestrade.
GL: Well all right then. He’s married, fine. Doesn’t mean his wife killed him
SH: [1 of 4] It’s clear from the suitcase in the corner that he’s just returned from a business trip, probably a conference, likely with other members of his department. His wife came to meet him at school, bit of a surprise, she’s missed him etc, but he hasn’t had time to change, and she realizes he’s been
SH: [2 of 4] cheating on her on his trip. Probably the scent of perfume, possibly just the look on his face, doesn’t matter anyway, she had all the confirmation she needed. She became infuriated, he tried to calm her, hence the disruption of the chair he had been sitting at when she walked in, and she picked up the nearest item, which happened to be
SH: [3 of 4] that hideous marble obelisk, and smashed him over the head with it. It’s the only thing not covered in blood on his desk because she tried to wipe it down so it wouldn’t have her prints on it, nevermind that now it stands out, murderers are often very stupid. The professor who found him is the other woman, clearly. Young, pretty, makeup wrecked from crying. They arrived back from the airport together
SH: [4 of 4] just this afternoon to get in a bit of actual work after having a lovely affair at their dull conference and now he’s dead. Honestly Lestrade, she looks a mess, didn’t you realize she was overly upset over a mere COLLEAGUE?
JW: You’re incredible
JW: I mean that’s incredible
SH: Anyone could have solved it if only they’d LOOKED.
SH: Even Lestrade.
MH: Quite so.
GL: I’ve sent a team to his house
GL: I hope you’re right about this, Sherlock
SH: I am.
10 September 2017
GL: He was right, for the record
GL: She confessed as soon as we brought her in
MrsH: Well done Sherlock!
MrsH: John, perhaps for the blog you ought to just copy and paste this entire conversation?
JW: I don’t think we need to tell the world we’ve got a grouptext we send crime scene photos around, Mrs. H
JW: Not a terrible idea, though
JW: Perhaps with a bit of editing
GL has changed Mycroft Holmes Nappy Delivery Service to The Adventure of the Solitary Obelisk
GL: I figure if it’s going to make the blog it ought to have a title
MH: No offense intended, Detective Inspector, but why don’t we let John handle the titles, hm?
I am extremely fortunate to to be friends with the incredible Snapjack, who is, on top of being generous, loving, and hilarious, is also an insanely talented writer. She has dipped a toe into the Sherlock fandom and the resulting story is stunning. I strongly recommend you check it out here: Spring Cleaning.
Chapter 10: Chapter 10
22 September 2017
JW: [Photo - Sherlock Tricycle.jpg - 22.9.2017 11:51]
JW: Guess who’s finally got around to putting together one of Rosie’s birthday gifts
JW: For a genius he’s quite bad at assembling children’s toys
SH: That’s because the instructions don’t make any sense.
SH: They’re written for morons.
SH: Is this the level at which your simple little minds work? Do you really need to be told to turn a screw to the right? It’s intolerable.
GL: You’re the one who can’t figure it out mate
GL changed The Adventure of the Solitary Obelisk to Children’s Toy Assembly Help Forum
MrsH: So that’s where my tool kit ran off to!
MrsH: I was wondering why you’d stolen it
SH: Not stolen.
MoH: Borrowed like my centrifuge?
MoH: Which disappeared while I was fetching you that dreadful liver
MoH: And which you’ve still not returned, just as a reminder!
MrsH: You want him to return the liver?
MoH: Oh, no
MoH: The centrifuge
MoH: The liver’s rather past its sell by date at this point I think, haha!
SH: This instruction booklet is 1 of 2! How could any children’s product possibly require two booklets worth of assembly?
GL: The great Sherlock Holmes, finally defeated by a toddler’s toy
SH: Shut up Lestrade.
26 September 2017
SH: [Photo - Princess John.jpg - 26.9.2017 20:07]
MrsH: Looking very beautiful, John!
MrsH: The crown is a bit small for you, though
JW: Oh very funny Sherlock
JW: Is this revenge for the trike photo
GL: No shame playing dress up with your kid
GL: Donovan agrees
GL: At least I’m assuming she does, she’s laughing too hard at the moment to speak
JW: He’s happy to send the photo, but completely fails to mention that he DEMANDED that he be a pirate
JW: Which is why I ended up with the crown and the wand and the tutu and all of it
GL: A likely story
1 October 2017
JW: [Photo - Sherlock and Rosie.jpg - 1.10.2017 11:51]
MrsH: Oh how sweet!
MoH: I didn’t know you had a little backpack to put her in! Is that thing comfortable, Sherlock?
GL: Wait, is he doing an EXPERIMENT wearing her on his back?
JW: No hazardous materials, I checked
JW: She’s fallen asleep to the sound of the centrifuge I think
GL: She’s going to grow up to be a really weird kid, John
JW: I’m afraid that was a given
GL has changed Children’s Toy Assembly Help Forum to Holmes-Watson Photo Album
SH: She’s drooling on my suit jacket.
SH: Not ideal.
SH: But better than crying which was what happened when I tried to put her to bed.
MH: Thank you for sharing, John. I’ve forwarded this to Mummy.
SH: Oh god.
3 October 2017
SH: [Photo - Twins.jpg - 3.10.2017 09:33]
MoH: Oh my goodness, did they dress alike on purpose?
SH: Rosie selected her own outfit when she woke up this morning.
SH: John just happened to pick the same one when he awoke several hours later.
SH: Improbable, but clearly not impossible.
MrsH: I’ve always liked you in purple, John
SH: I had truly hoped she had not inherited his fashion sense. Disappointing. I suppose it may be trained out of her.
JW: Oi what’s wrong with my fashion sense?
GL: Don’t listen to what the posh boy says
GL: I think the fact that you and your 2 year old are wearing the same outfit is brilliant
JW: Thanks Greg
MH: Mummy quite likes this one too.
6 October 2017
JW: [Photo - Sherlock and Rosie Sleeping.jpg - 6.10.2017 15:19]
MoH: Oh now that is too much!!!!
MoH: I’m saving that one
MrsH: John, you’ve let them fall asleep on the floor!
JW: I couldn’t stop them if I tried
JW: They were having some kind of argument about building the perfect blanket fort, it tired them out I suppose
JW: Anyway they’ll survive a kip on the carpet
MrsH: Well you’re the doctor!
MrsH: Though when the last time either of you hoovered is beyond me
GL: He sleeps lying down?
GL: I thought he did it hanging from the ceiling like a bat
MH: Mummy says, “Precious.”
MH: I don’t have an opinion either way but thought you might like to know.
JW: Oh he’s woken up
JW: He’s checking his messages
JW: Scowling a bit now
JW: Oh dear
JW: I think he’s a bit embarrassed actually
JW: Right, let’s not send this one any further than the group, yeah?
JW: And your mum I suppose Mycroft
GL: Too late
JW: Ah well, serves him right for the one with the crown
Chapter 11: Chapter 11
14 October 2017
GL: Anyone free for a pint? We’ve just wrapped up a double homicide so John and I were thinking about The Albert
JW: Even Sherlock is the world’s greatest detective is coming if you can believe it
JW: What the hell
SH: Thank you, John. That’s very kind of you to say.
JW: Sherlock is the world’s greatest detective
MrsH: We all know you feel that way dear but do you really think you need to keep saying it? Think of his ego
JW: I’m not typing that
JW: It’s happening whenever I type Sherlock is the world’s greatest detective
MoH: Maybe you ought to stop typing that then?
JW: It’s changing itself!!!
JW: This is your fault isn’t it Sherlock is the world’s greatest detective
GL: Nice one Sherlock is the world’s greatest detective
GL: HANG ON
MoH: Wait, did Sherlock is the world’s greatest detective change your autocorrect???
MoH: Oh dear, mine too
MrsH: Oh Sherlock is the world’s greatest detective
GL: How do we change it back
GL: This isn’t funny Sherlock is the world’s greatest detective
SH: I disagree.
JW: Okay first of all, stop typing his name
JW: It’s not helping
MoH: I’ve not even seen you in a week, did you do it remotely?
MoH: I’d love to come to drinks by the way, I’ll head that way now, and maybe someone can help me change it back?
JW: Yeah I think I’ve got it
JW: Let’s see
JW: Sherlock is the world’s greatest detective is a huge prick
MH: I’m so glad to have my mobile buzzing with all of this nonsense.
MH: It’s not like I’m in the middle of an important meeting with any heads of state.
SH: Go complain to someone who cares, Mycroft.
MH: If you care so little, why don’t you remove me from this thread, Sherlock is the world’s greatest detective?
GL: oh my god
GL: you as well?
GL has changed Holmes-Watson Photo Album to Sherlock Is the world’s greatest detective and also a complete tosser HA!
MH: This is unacceptable.
GL: I’m not angry anymore
GL: Totally worth it
Chapter 12: Chapter 12
27 October 2017
MrsH: [Photo - Puzzle.jpg - 27.10.2017 21:01]
MrsH: I know it’s past her bedtime but she just finished her puzzle and she’s so proud!
MrsH: I asked her if she wanted to try out the one with the lovely animals on it but she preferred the skeleton
MrsH: Anyway I just thought you’d like to see, how’s the case going boys?
JW: We’re a bit busy staking out a couple of locations at the moment
JW: But thank you for the photo, well done Rosie
SH: Of course she prefers the skeleton.
SH: The other one is highly unrealistic.
SH: The forest animals are SMILING.
GL: What’s wrong with smiling forest animals?
GL: I think I got her that one actually
SH: Are you both still in place?
JW: Yes, of course, though I don’t know why
JW: Since you’re convinced it’s the brother
SH: Nearly convinced. The evidence was inconclusive, there’s a .5% chance it’s the cousin.
JW: Yes, and I’m hidden in a damp maintenance cupboard for a .5% chance
SH: Improbable does not mean impossible.
GL: Well my team is in place
GL: I hope you’re right about this, Sherlock
SH: I always am.
JW: And so modest, too
MrsH: Should you three really be texting so much if you’re on a stakeout?
MrsH: Won’t someone notice?
JW: I’m in a cupboard waiting for someone who only has a .5% chance of being a murderer
JW: I’m not too fussed
JW: Shouldn’t the brother have been there by now Sherlock?
MoH: Hello everyone
MoH: Er, so I’ve got something that might be relevant
MoH: The brother is here
JW: What, at Barts?
JW: Why in the hell would he be at Barts
MoH: He’s dead
JW: he’s here
JW: the cousin’s here
GL: Hang on
GL: Sherlock, were you WRONG?
SH: I said it was IMPROBABLE. How many times must I explain statistics to you?
GL: John, I’m sending backup your way
JW: he hasn’t seen me
JW: yeah he’s definitely armed
MoH: That would make sense considering the body I’ve got here here was shot several times
JW: he’s leaving again, I’m going to tail him
SH: Be careful. He’s killed three people. He’s clearly desperate.
JW: right, which is why we’ve got to stop him now
JW: im on him
JW: Lestrade how far are your men?
GL: Five minutes
JW: hes seen me
SH: John, reply immediately.
MrsH: Oh dear
MH: Sherlock, answer your phone.
MH: I’m attempting to locate him.
GL: Three minutes
MoH: Oh my goodness
MrsH: I’m sure he’s just fine, you boys always get yourselves out of these scrapes
MrsH: Nothing to worry about!
MrsH: Right boys?
MoH: Any updates????
MrsH: Boys, this isn’t funny!
JW: Hello all, sorry for going dark
JW: I’ve got him, the police are here, it’s all fine
MoH: Oh thank god!
MoH: You had me a bit nervous there haha
MrsH: Well done boys, I wasn’t worried for a moment!
MH: Congratulations, Dr. Watson.
MH: In the future, might I request that you not drop out of contact for such an extended length of time?
MH: My brother very nearly started an international incident out of concern for you.
SH: Shut up Mycroft.
Chapter 13: Chapter 13
7 November 2017
MoH: So here’s something fun
MoH: I was on OkCupid last night
MoH: With some girlfriends, just for a lark
SH: We all know you use dating applications, Molly.
SH: No need to pretend otherwise.
MoH: Well anyway
MoH: I was on OkCupid, and guess whose profile I ran into!!!
MoH: [Screenshot 7.11.2017 01:13]
GL: Molly that’s not on
JW: Oh my god, Greg, how old is that photo??
JW: You’re very, er
GL: It’s from my holiday in Malaga
SH: That was in 2008.
GL: It’s still a good photo!
SH: “Enjoys travel, Italian food, the theatre, and being outdoors.”
SH: Is this true?
SH: All I’ve ever known you to enjoy is being a fair to middling detective and watching football at pubs.
SH: I suppose going on cases occasionally counts as “being outdoors” if the body is found in a park?
GL: Fuck off Sherlock
GL: You’ve no idea what I like to do in my free time
GL: You didn’t even know my given name until recently
SH: I know everything about you, GREG.
SH: Including that the last time you traveled was to Brussels for a police conference.
SH: And you definitely didn’t “enjoy” it because you got pickpocketed.
JW: I’m not an expert but I think those types of interests are fairly common for profiles like these, right?
JW: I think we perhaps ought to discuss the photo a bit more
MoH: I agree, John. That’s why I sent it.
MoH: Don’t you think you might want something a bit more, you know, recent?
MrsH: Well nobody has asked me but I think a very dashing photo Detective Inspector, I’m all for it!
GL: Thank you Mrs. Hudson
GL: How about we not discuss any of this at all?
GL: Thank you again Molly for bringing it up in the first place
GL: Really lovely of you
GL: Glad to know I can count you among my friends
GL has changed Sherlock Is the world’s greatest detective and also a complete tosser HA! to Anything But Lestrade’s Love Life Ta Very Much
MoH: I’m only trying to help!
MoH: It really is a nice photo but would be much improved if it had been taken in the past, you know, decade
JW: She’s not wrong mate
JW: What about the one from my blog last year?
JW: I’ll email it to you
SH: Isn’t the whole point of dating profiles to lie?
SH: After all, Molly, yours says that you like cats AND dogs, which we all know to be false.
MoH: What do you mean?
SH: You prefer cats.
MoH: That doesn’t make it a lie to say I like dogs!
MoH: And, no, the whole point is not to lie! I don’t lie on mine
JW: Why have you been looking at Molly’s dating profile
JW: Just sent you the photo Greg
JW: You’ll have to crop Sherlock out of it of course
JW: Can’t imagine you want him swanning about on your profile
GL: Dunno, the whole “I know Sherlock Holmes” thing has worked for me in the past
SH: If you want to attract more matches on OkCupid, Lestrade, you ought to lower your age.
SH: The number of matches decreases exponentially with each year above 40.
GL: Hang on, weren’t you just saying we shouldn’t lie??
SH: Nothing I said implied a moral judgment on the topic of lying.
SH: Lying is just another form of disguise.
GL: How low ought I go you think?
JW: Don’t listen to him Greg
JW: The right person won’t mind your age
JW: Or anything else for that matter
SH: How very romantic of you, John.
JW: You know Sherlock, when you say “romantic” it sounds like you’re saying “stupid”
SH: Does it?
SH: Imagine that.
GL: Anyway John, what makes you an expert at dating sites?
GL: You’re signed up, are you?
JW: No, bit busy dealing with two toddlers at home
MrsH: Oh you mean Sherlock of course! Ha ha!
SH: Hilarious as always, John.
GL: D’you think I could get away with saying I’m 43?
MrsH: She means no, dear.
MrsH: But the silver fox look is very fashionable right now!
SH: Lestrade, it’s more likely that you’ll struck by lightning in the middle of Trafalgar Square than that anyone will believe you’re 43.
GL: All right, all right, I get it
GL: No need to pile on
SH: You could successfully convince women you’re 55, perhaps.
GL: I’m only 51 you bastard!
Chapter 14: Chapter 14
13 November 2017
MrsH: Well Sherlock I have to say I’m a bit disappointed I didn’t hear it from you first
MrsH: She’s a bit old for you, don’t you think?
GL: Oh that’s brilliant
JW: Best one in a while
JW: Good find Mrs. Hudson
MrsH: I’ve got a google alert for him! It’s such fun!
SH: I regret showing you how to set that up.
GL: “Though Holmes and Thompson have kept coy about their relationship, a close associate of Holmes says he is ‘smitten’ with her. ‘He can’t stop talking about her,’ the associate reports. ‘Anytime he’s not on a case, it’s all Emma this and Emma that.’”
GL: Can you even imagine Sherlock smitten with anything other than a locked room with a corpse in it?
GL has changed Anything But Lestrade’s Love Life Ta Very Much to Holmes-Thompson Wedding Planning Committee
GL: Yeah, but HILARIOUS drivel
MrsH: Honestly I wish it were true, she seems like such a dear!
MrsH: Perhaps you could at least give it one date, Sherlock?
MoH: I thought you were still hung up on Princess Beatrice??
JW: No, that was ages ago
JW: It was Khloe Kardashian last month I thought
MoH: Oh, right!
SH: Glad you’re all enjoying yourselves.
SH: Haven’t any of you got anything better to do than read the Mirror?
SH: Don’t most of you have jobs?
GL: Oh my god and the photos!
GL: Where’d they even find a photo of you smiling?!
GL: “Meanwhile, Holmes’ associate noted that the man’s longtime companion, John Watson, is preparing to move out of the home they share in Baker Street. Despite longstanding rumors that Watson and Holmes share more than just a flat, ‘John’s very happy for them,’ says the associate, who asked to remain anonymous to preserve their friendship with Holmes.”
MoH: Oh my goodness! Tossing John and Rosie out for Emma Thompson after just three weeks!
MoH: Must be serious
SH: John is much more likely to request that I vacate 221B than the other way round.
JW: Hang on, what?
JW: Why would I kick you out?
SH: There are several possible reasons.
SH: Would you like a list in order of likelihood?
JW: No, I wouldn’t
JW: That’s ridiculous
JW: You’re ridiculous
JW: Don’t say things like that, I’m not going anywhere and neither are you
JW: Unless you really WOULD like Emma Thompson to move in
JW: In which case I’m sure we can work something out
SH: I don’t even know who Emma Thompson IS.
SH: Is she a politician?
MoH: Oh, Sherlock
GL: And also, who are these anonymous associates of yours?
GL: Have you got other friends???
GL: Since presumably no one here is leaking information about your love life…
MH: I wouldn’t be so sure of that, Detective Inspector.
MH: The more that is handed to them, ludicrous though it may be, the less they dig.
GL: Hang on
GL: Are you saying that you feed the tabloids lies about Sherlock so they don’t bother looking for anything that’s true?
MH: It does keep things interesting, doesn’t it.
MoH: Do you make it all up then? All the stuff about Khloe Kardashian and them getting a dog together and taking it on a Mediterranean cruise and everything?
MH: I have people who handle the finer details.
MH: Though the part where he heartbrokenly dove off the ship after she ended things was a personal touch.
MrsH: Ooh I have some ideas next time you need a good one, if you’re taking submissions!
MH: I believe we’re not, at the moment.
MH: But if that changes, Anthea will contact you.
Chapter 15: Chapter 15
2 December 2017
JW: I just heard from Rosie’s nursery teacher that she brought in her stuffed turtle to school and then had all the other children running about trying to solve its murder
JW: So that’s me locking down the “Worst Father in England” award
GL: Good work Sherlock
GL: Most little kids want to be astronauts or firefighters or ballet dancers you know
MrsH: Oh John that’s adorable!
MrsH: A bit dreadful too of course
SH: I don’t see the problem.
SH: She’s SOLVING a murder, not committing one.
MoH: Well you would say that!
MoH: Considering she’s following in your footsteps!
GL: She’s too young to consult for us though
GL: Check back in 25 years
MH: Try not to worry too much, John.
MH: I have already set aside funds for the therapy Rosamund will inevitably require as a result of growing up with my brother for a godfather.
JW: Hang on a mo
JW: Before we all lay this at Sherlock’s feet
JW: Remind me which of us HASN’T made a living off murder??
JW: Molly and Greg, you’re in his same line of work, as it were
JW: I was a soldier
JW: Mrs. Hudson, no offense, but we all know how you paid for 221
JW: And Mycroft, let’s not even go there, hmm?
JW: I think we’re all of us to blame for this
GL: Honestly he makes a fair point
GL: We’re probably the absolute worst group of people to influence a baby
GL: It’s actually almost impressive that you managed to cobble together such a group of nutters to help raise your kid
GL has changed Holmes-Thompson Wedding Planning Committee to Six Psychopaths and a Baby
MoH: Should I stop bringing over the Anatomy for Toddlers books??
MoH: I could find something about princesses or puppies or something????
JW: No, of course not
JW: It’s not hurting her
JW: Even if we do spent quite a lot more time talking about corpses than is probably recommended by the BMA, all of you are a net positive in Rosie’s life
SH: Except Mycroft.
JW: No, even Mycroft
14 December 2017
SH has removed JW from Six Psychopaths and a Baby
SH: I’ve got something extremely important to discuss.
GL: Something that you had to kick John out for?
GL: That’s not on
SH: DON’T add him back.
SH: We’ve probably only a few moments before he notices.
MrsH: Sherlock, this is very rude of you.
MrsH: If you have something to say you can say it in front of John.
MrsH: How do I add him back in?
MrsH: Why must Siri shout at me when I ask her for things?
SH: All of you shut up and listen to me!
SH: All right.
SH: Thank you.
SH: Now then.
SH: What sort of gifts does John like?
SH: Christmas is coming up and I need ideas.
GL: Hang on
GL: You’re getting him a Christmas present?
GL: This is unprecedented
GL: Is John BLACKMAILING you?!?
SH: Oh very funny.
SH: It’s not UNPRECEDENTED.
SH: I’ve given him gifts before.
GL: Name one.
SH: I came back from being dead.
GL: Oh you self-absorbed bastard
MoH: But surely YOU know what John would like for Christmas better than we do???
MoH: You’re his best friend after all, can’t you just deduce it?
MH: Sherlock is not exactly experienced in the gift-giving department.
SH: Mycroft, your input is neither requested nor appreciated.
MH: If you’d like, I can pass along his internet search history.
GL: Yeah because that’s not creepy
GL: Why don’t you get him a bottle of whisky? Always a safe bet and I don’t know a man in the world who needs a drink more than Sherlock Holmes’ flatmate
MrsH: How about a nice jumper?
MrsH: You’re always making fun of his jumpers
SH: I’m not going to buy him ANOTHER jumper.
SH: How is that a solution to his ongoing jumper problem?
SH: Next idea.
SH: Molly, go.
MoH: Honestly I’m pants at gifts for men
MoH: Never had much success there
MoH: I quite like to receive books I suppose
MoH: Not that we’re brainstorming gifts for me!
MoH: I meant for John
GL: I still don’t know why you’re getting him gifts all of a sudden
GL: Seems out of character and mildly suspicious if you ask me
SH: John mentioned that he likes the look of gifts under the tree.
SH: For Rosie’s sake.
SH: So I’m attempting to contribute.
SH: You’ve all been enormously unhelpful.
GL: All I want for Christmas is for you to do all the paperwork you create for me
GL: If you’re curious
SH: I wasn’t.
GL: Heads up, John’s texting me asking what’s happened to the grouptext
GL: Can I add him back?
GL: I’ll tell him it must’ve been a glitch
GL has added JW to Six Psychopaths and a Baby
JW: What happened there?
GL: Technology, right?
MoH: I didn’t even notice you were gone, it’s not like we talked about anything!
MrsH: It was probably my fault, John. Whoopsies!
MrsH: You know how bad I am with Siri!
Sorry for the delay in this chapter - I was busy editing and posting another story. We will now resume our regularly scheduled twice-weekly updates :)
Chapter 17: Chapter 17
20 December 2017
JW: All right everyone
JW: What are schedules looking like
JW: Who’s free for Christmas Eve at Baker Street?
MrsH: You know I’ll be there boys!
GL: Works for me
MoH: I’d love to drop by!
MoH: I think I’ll be baking biscuits that morning, so I’ll bring some over!
JW: Mycroft what about you?
JW: Your mum is asking too by the way
JW: Why I have to be the one to coordinate Christmas for the Holmeses is beyond me
MH: I will have Anthea contact you with my schedule.
SH: Don’t pretend you have other invitations Mycroft.
MH: Brother dear, if only you knew.
MH: Tell Mummy I can make Christmas dinner at 2.
JW: Tell her yourself, she’s your mum
JW: Nevermind, she’s just rung me back anyway
SH: I can only make Christmas dinner if it starts at 3 and not a moment earlier.
SH: Looks like our schedules are incompatible.
JW: One of these days I’m going to kill both of you, you realize
GL: Glad to see you’re all getting into the Christmas spirit!!
GL: Fa la la and all
SH: Christmas is a manufactured holiday meant to sell children’s toys and ugly jumpers.
GL has changed Six Psychopaths and a Baby to A Christmas Carol Starring Ebenezer Holmes
SH: I expect there’s some reference I’m meant to understand and be offended by?
GL: Got it in one
GL: Anyway I thought you were going to not be a prat about Christmas this year
GL: You’ve even bought John a present!
JW: No he hasn’t
JW: He doesn’t do presents
GL: Oh, right
GL: I got him confused with someone else
JW: You got Sherlock Holmes confused with someone else?
JW: All right then
Chapter 18: Chapter 18
31 December 2017
JW: If anyone’s free tonight, feel free to swing by our place
JW: I’ve made too much punch
JW: We might make it to midnight but no promises what with the baby and all
SH: And the fact that John is essentially elderly.
JW: Yes, and that
MoH: Actually I’d love to pop by, my friends are doing a party across town but I need to be fashionably late!
MoH: Be over soon!
GL: I’m sending the squad home at 9
GL: Save me some punch yeah?
GL: Probably just one, I’m back to work in the morning
1 January 2018
GL: John buggering fuck Watson
GL: What did you put in that punch
JW: Too much rum
JW: All the rum in the whole world, possibly
GL: Yeah that part I can tell
GL: If I die tell them at least I beat Sherlock Holmes at charades on the last night of my life
SH: You did not beat me.
SH: You cheated.
SH: Stop texting me, the texting noise is hurting my entire brain.
MoH: It’s not cheating just because you’ve never heard of Ghostbusters!
GL has changed A Christmas Carol Starring Ebenezer Holmes to Sherlock Holmes Is Pants At Charades
MoH: And I told you all to drink more water before you went to bed!
MoH: I feel fine this morning!
MoH: Anybody want to get brunch?
GL: I was nearly sick just reading the word brunch
GL: Please don’t talk about brunch again
SH: I need tea.
SH: Mrs. Hudson, bring tea.
JW: She’s still asleep on our sofa
JW: The kettle’s on
JW: I’m attempting to teach Rosie the quiet game
MoH: Oh, the one where the first person to make a noise loses?
JW: She’s terrible at it
MH: Up late celebrating, were we?
SH: Very astute Mycroft.
SH: How could you possibly have deduced?
SH: Now either bring me some chips or be silent.
JW: [Photo - MycroftDelivery.jpg - 1.1.2018 13:19]
JW: You sent too much, Mycroft
JW: How many people do you think live here?
JW: If anybody would like some fish and chips we’re basically drowning in it
JW: It’s definitely helping the hangover though
MH: Happy New Year to all.
SH: Yes, you too brother.
SH: Now piss off.
Chapter 19: Chapter 19
13 January 2018
JW: All right
JW: Which of you gave my daughter the toy that plays the song from that movie
JW: I know it was one of you and I intend to find out who it was and then kill them
GL: Wasn’t me
GL: And by the way
GL: This text would count as premeditation if you ever happened to kill one of us
GL: I’d generally advise that you not send texts about crimes you’re planning
GL: Especially to an officer of the law
GL: Also don’t kill anyone I suppose
GL has changed Sherlock Holmes Is Pants At Charades to Just A Normal Grouptext and Not A Place Where People Talk About Murdering Other People At All, Ever
MrsH: You know I never get her any of those electric ones
MrsH: The best toys are the simplest!
MrsH: Also I’m terrible at keeping batteries around for those things
MoH: Which one?
MoH: That cute little bear that sings??
MoH: I didn’t buy it but it’s adorable!
JW: It’s not adorable
JW: It’s out to get me
JW: I tried to take it away and she cried for an hour
JW: I’ve been hearing it in my DREAMS
SH: John’s gone a bit mad if you haven’t noticed.
JW: Yes well not all of us can retreat to our mind palaces when the little demon starts its song for the tenth bloody time in an hour
SH: I didn’t buy it, as you know, but I wish I had.
SH: It would have made a fascinating experiment.
SH: How long until the average father of a toddler cracks following receipt of an obnoxious and loud Christmas present?
GL: You’re sure it was one of us?
JW: You’re the only ones who brought her presents
JW: Besides Harry, who gave her clothes that are about four sizes too large, and Mike Stamford, who sent a book about bees that has found its way into Sherlock’s room
SH: It’s a very educational book.
SH: And written at a very high level despite being for children.
JW: Anyway I know it was one of you that brought this thing into my home
JW: Confess and perhaps we can still be friends
JW: After a period of groveling
JW: It’s playing again right now
JW: You’re better off coming clean, whoever you are
JW: I’ve spent a lot of time around crime scenes
JW: I’d be good at hiding your body and the Met’s star consulting detective would never turn me in because without me he’d have to start making his own tea
SH: He has a point.
GL: Yeah, again, threats aren’t something we want to get in writing
GL: No need to remind all the government agencies listening in how easy it would be for Sherlock to cover up a crime if he were ever so inclined
GL: Speaking of government agencies listening in…
GL: You know who’s been pretty quiet today?
GL: No denials at all?
JW: Did you give Rosie the abomination
JW: Answer me Mycroft
JW: Answer me or I’ll tell your mum that Wicked wasn’t actually sold out through the summer
MH: No need to resort to childish threats, John.
MH: The bear may have been included amongst the presents sent to Rosamund from my office.
MH: I can’t be certain.
MH: It was very expensive, you realize.
JW: You know what else would be expensive
JW: Having to remove its head from your rectum
MH: Forgive me my generosity.
MH: If you’d like, I can arrange to have it destroyed.
MH: Unless that will upset Rosamund.
JW: Of course it will bloody upset Rosamund! She’s obsessed with it! You’ve ruined my life, Mycroft Holmes, and you WILL pay for it!!!
MH: Such dramatics.
MH: You’ve been spending too much time with my brother.
SH: I’ve got an idea.
SH: I’ll run it through the wash.
SH: I can claim it’s an accident, which will be believable since I don’t know how to use the washing machine.
GL: You don’t know how to use the washing machine?!
GL: You toff
JW: Oh god please do it
JW: Do it now
JW: I can’t take another moment of it
MH: I’m glad you two have found a way to solve this insuperable dilemma.
MH: Congratulations on your victory over a child of two and a half.
MH: You’ve truly earned your international reputation.
Chapter 20: Chapter 20
3 February 2018
GL: So my new flat is definitely in need of some warming
GL: Next Saturday, my place, let’s say 5?
GL: Would love to see you all there
GL: There will be food of some sort
JW: Yeah sounds good Greg, what can we bring?
JW: And by we, I mean, what can I bring and kindly allow Sherlock to take half the credit for?
SH: I’m sure John can manage that.
MoH: I’ll bring dessert! I’ve got a new lemon bar recipe
GL: That’d be great Molly, don’t forget the sugar this time though yeah?
MoH: I thought we weren’t going to talk about those biscuits again
MrsH: I’ll be there Detective Inspector!
GL: What about you, Mycroft?
MH: Thank you for extending an invitation, Gregory.
MH: I’ll have Anthea get back to you with my schedule.
GL: Oh all right
GL: Just have her text me I suppose
GL: Anyway I was thinking maybe I’d do a roast chicken or something?
GL: Any thoughts on that?
MrsH: I’ve got a nice recipe I can send over!
MrsH: I’ll email it to you later when John gets home so he can do up the attachment
Anthea has joined Just A Normal Grouptext and Not A Place Where People Talk About Murdering Other People At All, Ever
A: Mr. Holmes will be attending and will provide catering from Balthazar.
A: Please contact me directly with any questions or dietary restrictions.
A: Have a lovely day.
A has left Just A Normal Grouptext and Not A Place Where People Talk About Murdering Other People At All, Ever
GL: Did anyone know that other people could just join this at any time
JW: Yeah no they definitely can’t
SH: It’s probably best for everyone if we all forget it ever happened.
GL: Glad she got to see the title
GL: Definitely not at all suspicious
Chapter 21: Chapter 21
6 February 2018
SH: Molly has a date tonight
MoH: What are you talking about!
MoH: Why would you say that
SH: You kicked me out of the morgue.
MoH: My shift was over! It was time to go!
SH: You never kick me out.
SH: Also you’re wearing mascara.
SH: It was obvious.
JW: That’s great Molly, who’s the lucky bloke?
GL: Did you meet him on OkCupid?
GL: I’d love to hear a success story out of there
GL: Ever since I added that photo of me and Sherlock I mostly just get questions about whether HE’S available
GL: I usually just refer those birds to the Emma Thompson article
MoH: Oh my gosh
MoH: Can’t a girl have personal business anymore these days?
MrsH: Molly dear you should know better than to try to hide things from Sherlock!
SH: If you’d wanted to keep it a secret you shouldn’t have worn a push-up bra.
MoH: All right, yes
MoH: I have a date
MoH: It’s a third date actually
MoH: He’s an accountant and he’s very nice
JW: Third date!
JW: You should bring him to Greg’s housewarming
MoH: I mean
MoH: The thing is
MoH: I think I’ll wait to bring him round actually
MoH: You know?
MoH: Bit intimidating to meet, you know, you lot
GL: And by “you lot” you mean “Sherlock”
MoH: A bit, yes
SH: You mean because I’m extremely famous?
JW: I think more because you’re a prat
MoH: No, no, not at all!
MoH: It’s just
MoH: Well, yes, it’s that, actually
SH: No need to apologize.
SH: Prat is among the kinder epithets that have been applied to me.
GL: Yeah, don’t apologize to him, Molly
GL: You’re doing the right thing
GL: No need to scare this bloke off straight away
JW: We’re a bit of an odd bunch
JW: We all remember how good Sherlock was at driving off my girlfriends
GL: Well, that was different
JW: What do you mean?
JW: Uhh okay
MoH: Maybe I’ll bring him round to the next get together, yeah?
MoH: After, you know
MoH: Things are a bit more, you know, settled
GL: Like once you’ve married him
Chapter 22: Chapter 22
10 February 2018
GL: All right, the food is here but none of you are
GL: Am I going to be eating approximately a small village’s worth Balthazar by myself?
MoH: I’ll be there soon!
MoH: Just need to gather up all the pieces of this woman and get them back in cold storage
MoH: Sorry, that was probably too much information
GL: It’s fine, we’ve all been there
GL: More or less
MH: I am also delayed.
MH: There’s been a minor uprising in Cambodia.
MH: I should be arriving within the hour.
GL: Sounds about right
MrsH: I’ll be there whenever the boys are ready but there seems to be a hold up in B!
JW: Sorry mate, we’re running a bit late
GL: No worries, you’ve got Sherlock and a toddler to deal with
SH: You may be interested to know that it’s actually John’s fault.
JW: They’re not interested
SH: He and Rosie were at the park.
SH: There was a woman.
MoH: Ooh tell us more!
SH: Single mum, late thirties.
SH: He lost track of time.
JW: Don’t listen to him
JW: He wasn’t there
GL: Did you get her number?
SH: He did.
JW: How on earth do you know that
JW: I made sure to put my phone back in my jeans EXACTLY as it was before
SH: It’s embarrassing for you that you even have to ask.
JW: Well anyway we’ll be there soon
GL: Thanks again for coming last night everyone!
GL: I had a great time
SH: I thought we agreed not to discuss it anymore.
GL: What do you mean?
GL: I said thanks for coming! How is that discussing it???
SH: You only said thank you as a lead in to bringing it up.
SH: Transparent as always.
JW: It pains me to agree with him on anything but you know he’s right
GL: I’m hurt John
GL: Hurt and insulted
GL: We distinctly agreed that we would not, under any circumstances, talk about Pictionary, and here you are accusing me of talking about Pictionary when all I’m doing is thanking my best friends for coming to my housewarming party
MoH: You’re talking about Pictionary right now Greg
GL: But only to defend myself from accusations of talking about Pictionary!
MrsH: Oh please stop saying Pictionary, you’re going to get Sherlock started again
SH: Get me started?
SH: I’m not the one who threw a pencil at someone else’s head just because they didn’t know who the clue was
GL: The category was CELEBRITIES
GL: How am I supposed to know who Giacomo Puccini is????
SH: How could you NOT know who he is?
JW: Can we not do this again
GL: Composers from the 1800s are not celebrities Sherlock
SH: Shall I recite the definition of celebrity?
MoH: You already did that shortly before you dropped the cup of tea on Greg’s head
MH: This is why I suggested we get the peace accord in writing.
MrsH: What I don’t understand is why we even tried to play
MrsH: We all know what a terrible sore loser Sherlock is, it's not like we've forgotten the charades incident
JW: Yeah, that’s not helping
GL has changed Just A Normal Grouptext and Not A Place Where People Talk About Murdering Other People At All, Ever to Pictionary: 1, Sherlock Holmes: 0
SH has removed GL from Pictionary: 1, Sherlock Holmes: 0
JW has added GL to Pictionary: 1, Sherlock Holmes: 0
GL: Thank you John
JW: You’re welcome
JW: Now can you both please grow up and stop talking about it???
SH: I can if Greg can.
GL: Of course I can
JW: Thank you
GL: ...as long as Sherlock will admit that I won
JW has removed GL from Pictionary: 1, Sherlock Holmes: 0
MoH: He deserved that
Chapter 23: Chapter 23
In which I am extremely self-indulgent with one of my favorite videos of all time. The embedded link will take you to YouTube; I highly recommend clicking it :)
21 February 2018
JW: I have great news for everyone who isn’t Sherlock
JW: Caught him reading a book about the South Pacific to Rosie
JW: [Video - SherlockPenguins.mov - 21.2.2018 11:31]
JW: You’re welcome
GL: Oh my god
GL: What in the hell is wrong with him???
GL: Didn’t you go to primary school mate??
MoH: Maybe they don’t teach them their animals at Eton?
MrsH: I can’t stop laughing
MrsH: I’ve watched it six times and it just keeps getting better every time!
MrsH: Hang on I’ve got to plug in my mobile so I can watch it again
SH: I don’t see how this is interesting.
GL: I think my favorite part is at the end where Rosie laughs at him
MH: I may have to take some responsibility.
MH: The year was 1980.
MH: Sherlock was reading a book about Antarctica.
MH: I failed to correct his pronunciation.
MH: I had nearly forgotten.
MH: Forgive me, brother mine.
JW: Yeah the fact that you didn’t correct him when he was three, while hilarious, is not an excuse
JW: He’s had several decades since then
SH: How does the proper pronunciation of the word “penguins” help me solve cases?
SH: It doesn’t.
SH: I probably deleted it.
SH: Just like I’m deleting this whole conversation.
Chapter 24: Chapter 24
4 March 2018
JW: you awake?
SH: I can’t speak for anyone else but considering it’s two in the morning I would assume no.
JW: Rosie go to bed ok?
SH: Of course.
SH: You aren’t enjoying Jacob’s party.
JW: i didn tsay that
SH: I told you you wouldn’t.
SH: You don’t like loud clubs or exotic dancers. Or Jacob, particularly.
JW: well you goto stag parties when you get invited to them, dont you?
SH: I wouldn’t know.
SH: I’ve only ever been invited to the one.
JW: it was a good one though
SH: I don’t have a basis for comparison but I found it to be acceptable.
JW: untl the part where we got arrsted
SH: Perhaps Lestrade has an opinion on stag parties, he seems the sort of man who would receive plenty of invitations.
SH: Any thoughts Greg?
JW: i didnt really mind getting arrested though
JW: you were there after all
SH: Yes, I recall.
SH: Part of it, at least.
JW: dyou ever think about if that client hadnt shown up
SH: What do you mean?
JW: its just
JW: you, i suppose
SH: You’re drunk.
JW: deduced it have you
JW: brilliant as always hahaha
JW: i do hate this party
JW: im much too old for this
SH: Come home then.
SH: If you’d like.
JW: i would like
JW: quite abit
JW: probably more than that
JW: youre ringing me
JW: what are you ringing me for
JW: i cant pick up in this club you berk
JW: and anyway you prefer texting
JW: you said that years ago you know
JW: i remember it
JW: i remember everything youve ever told me i think
JW: whered you go
JW: oh hello
JW: ill come home no wi think
JW: youll be up?
JW: see you soon
GL: Well, 56 new text messages is certainly one way to wake up.
GL: Did you two have a good night then?
GL has changed Pictionary: 1, Sherlock Holmes: 0 to Texts From Last Night
SH: John vomited twice and then fell asleep on the sofa.
MoH: Good morning Mr. Drunk Texter!
MoH: How are you feeling today?
JW: Oh Jesus Christ
JW: Was I texting all of you?
JW: Why didn’t anyone TELL me?!
MrsH: Some of us were asleep!
JW: Hope I wasn’t keeping anyone awake.
GL: Only Sherlock
GL: Pretty sure he didn’t mind though
JW: What’s that supposed to mean?
GL: You’re tetchy when you’re hungover aren’t you??
Chapter 25: Chapter 25
11 March 2018
MrsH: Yoohoo, anyone home?
MrsH: Only I’m having a spot of trouble with my laptop
JW: We’re on a case, sorry
MrsH: No problem dear
JW: I’d much prefer to be home, if it helps
JW: It’s pouring and Sherlock’s being a prat
SH: How is it being a prat to question a witness until she provides actually useful information?
JW: I never said you were being a prat to the witness
JW: You’re being a prat to ME
SH: I merely asked if you had any interest in actually helping with the investigation, or if your contributions would be limited to inane comments about the weather.
JW: Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m talking about
GL: Why are you two texting when you’re standing literally right next to each other?!
GL: Mrs. H, did you try turning your laptop on and off again?
GL has changed Texts From Last Night to Baker Street Tech Help Line
MrsH: I did thank you Detective Inspector
MrsH: That’s what John usually does but it doesn’t seem to be having any effect this time
GL: That’s me out of ideas then
SH: Yes, John is simply irreplaceable as a computer expert.
SH: You must really be struggling without his incomparable button-pressing skills.
SH: Perhaps I could send you a minimally trained primate to replace him?
JW: Mrs. Hudson, I’m on my way home
JW: See you soon
SH: What do you mean you’re on your way home?
SH: The case isn’t finished.
GL: Yeah he left like fifteen minutes ago mate
SH: He’s coming back, isn’t he?
JW: First of all, I’m in this chat too, you realize
JW: Second of all, no, I’m not
JW: I’m going home to have a cup of tea and help Mrs. H with her laptop
JW: Because you’re being an enormous arsehole!
MrsH: Oh dear
MrsH: I hate it when you boys fight
JW: No one’s fighting, don’t worry about it
JW: Sherlock’s just being Sherlock and I’ve had rather enough of it for the day
MoH: Well this was quite an awkward series of chats to come back to!
GL: Mentioning it isn’t helping, Molls
MoH: Everything calmed down now?
GL: Sherlock’s in a skip at the moment
GL: He’s shouting something about packing peanuts and nitroglycerin
GL: So he’ll have to get back to you later
Chapter 26: Chapter 26
12 March 2018
MrsH: Guess what!
MrsH: Molly’s taught me how to use Bitmoji!
GL: Exciting Sunday afternoon over at Baker Street I see
MrsH: Are you poking fun at me?
GL: Oh my god
GL: Did you make your bitmoji Sherlock???
MoH: She thought it would be funny
GL: It is
GL: Not sure how Himself will feel about it
GL: Oh this is spectacular
GL: I’m taking screenshots
GL: Really good stuff Mrs. H, keep them coming!
JW: Very funny
JW: Has anyone seen Sherlock?
JW: I meant the real one
GL: Nope, have you asked John?
GL: You ARE John
GL: You don’t know where he is?!
MoH: Are you two still rowing?
JW: Not really
JW: He left in a rush earlier and forgot his mobile
JW: If anyone sees him, can you just tell him
JW: Anyway just let me know
MrsH: John, I guess Sherlock has pretty much said
MoH: Oh that’s an especially good one
MoH: Look at his little wings!
MH: It appears that Sherlock is currently at the Cat and Mutton on Broadway Market
GL: The Cat & Mutton??
GL: But that’s near my flat
MH: What an interesting coincidence.
GL: Have you got a tracker on him?
MH: Something like that.
GL: Not like him to sit at a pub, is it?
MoH: Not especially, no
MoH: Maybe for the bitmoji version of him?
MoH:That guy seems like a lot of fun!!
GL: Well, I guess I’ll pop down there and see him then
GL: I’ll let him know you’re trying to get a hold of him, John
JW: Thanks mate
MoH: Oh now that’s VERY accurate
MoH: Think we can convince him to start using these himself?
GL: I’ve just shown him
GL: He said the resemblance is very strong and he approves
GL: I think he’s drunk though
GL: So who knows
JW: He’s been drinking?
GL: That’s what people generally do at pubs, isn’t it? You’re the expert after all John. - SH
GL: That was him stealing my phone
GL: He also reset my lock screen image to a photo of him and half my face
GL: So that’s nice
MoH: You should have a passcode on your mobile, Greg
GL: He does. - SH
Chapter 27: Chapter 27
15 March 2018
GL: Sherlock, pick up your mobile
GL: I’ve got a case for you
GL: It’s a good one
GL: John, trying you too
GL: Since His Majesty is ignoring me
GL: Where are you two???
MrsH: I’m out shopping haven’t seen them all day xx
MoH: I picked Rosie up from Baker Street about an hour ago
MoH: We’re having a girls night in!
MoH: They didn’t say they were going anywhere
MoH: Is it really a good case?
GL: [Photo - CrimeScene1.jpg - 15.3.2018 18:39]
MrsH: Well that’s certainly something
MrsH: How do you think he got up there?
GL: No idea
GL: That’s why I’m trying to get Sherlock to come take a look
GL:Take a look at the photo, Sherlock! It’s a 7 at least!
MoH: Looks like he bled for quite a while
MoH: From this angle at least
GL: Yes I thought so too
MoH: He must have been up there for some time! And nobody noticed?
GL: [Photo - CrimeScene2.jpg - 15.3.2018 18:44]
MrsH: So you think he came through the window then?
GL: What? No, the door
GL: Seems unlikely that he’d have climbed up the side of the building in that state
MoH: Is there blood by the door, though? Looks clean to me
MrsH: Yes that’s exactly what I thought
GL: [Photo - CrimeScene3.jpg - 15.3.2018 18:49]
GL: Nope not that I can see
GL: All right we’re checking the footage
GL: And I was wondering how nobody noticed a man bleeding to death wandering around the building
GL: But the window? Really?
MrsH: Well as Sherlock always says
MrsH: When the impossible has been eliminated and so on
MH: Might I suggest checking the ground floor on the other side of the building?
MH: It may provide additional information about the likelihood of his having made the climb before his untimely death.
GL: [Photo - CrimeScene4.jpg - 15.3.2018 19:02]
GL: This is the other side of the building - same as the one he’s on
MoH: Hang on
MoH: It’s not exactly the same
MoH: Is that a window washing setup near the roof?
MrsH: Of course! He was a window washer!
MrsH: We should have known!
GL: Really? You think so?
MH: It would explain his unlikely ascent.
GL: All right
GL: We’re contacting the window washing company now
GL: Update: two of their employees never brought their van back to HQ today
GL: We’re searching for the other now - he’s probably the killer.
GL: Thanks for your help everyone!
GL: I’m going to sack Sherlock and replace him with this grouptext
MrsH: Haha! He won’t like that
JW: Lots of excitement here this evening, sorry we missed it
SH: Yes, it’s reassuring, as a citizen of London, to hear that a high-ranking detective, a medical examiner, a government official, and a drug lord’s widow can together solve one simple murder.
MoH: Oh hush you
GL: Yeah, no giving us a hard time when you were MIA
GL has changed Baker Street Tech Help Line to Sherlock Holmes: Not Quite The World’s ONLY Consulting Detective
GL: Where were you two anyway? I must’ve rung you ten times
JW: That is
JW: We had dinner with a client
MrsH: Dinner with a client?
JW: Yeah we do that
MH: How interesting.
JW: Well done solving the case everyone!
18 March 2018
JW: Is anyone free tomorrow night to mind Rosie?
GL: I’ll be at work
GL: I know Rosie doesn’t mind crime scenes, but sadly this is the boring administrative paperwork kind of work
GL: What have you got going on?
JW: Just some plans that came up
GL: So a date, then
JW: No, not a date
GL: Yeah it’s definitely a date
MrsH: I’ll be at a 75th birthday party for an old school chum
MrsH: I’d bring Rosie along but I think it’s going to get a bit wild
JW: Right, that’s as much information as I need on that, thanks Mrs. H
MH: While I would gladly spend an evening with Rosamund, I’ll be on a different continent.
SH: You weren’t being asked, Mycroft.
SH: John should have clarified that he prefers people who are qualified to mind children, not countries.
MH: I can assure you that I am qualified to keep another human being alive.
MH: I’ve been successful with you so far, after all.
GL: Yeah but he was dead for a while so I’m not sure you can count that one mate
MoH: I’ve got plans with friends sorry John :(
MoH: I could cancel though?
JW: No Molly of course not, I’ll figure something out
GL: Oi Sherlock! Why can't you stay home with Rosie?
SH: I’m busy.
GL: I’m sure your experiment on the tensile strength of chewing gum or whatever it is can wait
GL: John has a date!
SH: Yes, I know.
SH: It’s with me.
MoH: Are you serious???!!!
MoH: Sherlock, why you didn’t say anything when you stopped by to look at the man who’d been drawn and quartered?
SH: It didn’t feel like the quite the moment what with all the dismemberment in the room.
GL: All right, which of you finally pulled their head out of their arse?
GL: I want to shake that man’s hand
MrsH: Oh boys I’m so happy!
MrsH: Also could one of you take the clothes out of the dryer please? I’ve got a load to do
MrsH: If you’re not otherwise occupied that is ;)
GL: Oh my god is that why I couldn’t get ahold of you the other night?
GL: I had a case for you and you ignored me because you were busy having a snog?!
MH: [Attachment - Child Minders with Background Checks.doc]
GL: ^^^Mycroft’s way of saying he approves, presumably
JW: This was not how we discussed doing this
JW: You’re impossible
JW: Shut up all of you
GL has changed Sherlock Holmes: Not Quite The World’s ONLY Consulting Detective to Holmes-Watson Wedding Planning Committee
JW has changed Holmes-Watson Wedding Planning Committee to Fuck Off Lestrade
GL has changed Fuck Off Lestrade to Holmes-Watson Engagement Party Planning Committee At The Very Least
This is the first time I've ever written a WIP, and it was an absolute blast - thank you so much to those of you who came along for the ride. I have so enjoyed talking to all of you and have appreciated every single comment and kudos enormously! An extra big thank you to Snapjack, my constant companion and cheerleader.
And while this is the end of the grouptext for now, I can't promise that I won't revisit it someday. Maybe even Mycroft will be using bitmojis by then.