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You Have 487 New Messages (Or, In Which Sherlock Holmes Starts a Grouptext)

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13 January 2018

JW: All right

JW: Which of you gave my daughter the toy that plays the song from that movie

JW: I know it was one of you and I intend to find out who it was and then kill them

GL: Wasn’t me

GL: And by the way

GL: This text would count as premeditation if you ever happened to kill one of us

GL: I’d generally advise that you not send texts about crimes you’re planning

GL: Especially to an officer of the law

GL: Also don’t kill anyone I suppose

GL has changed Sherlock Holmes Is Pants At Charades to Just A Normal Grouptext and Not A Place Where People Talk About Murdering Other People At All, Ever

MrsH: You know I never get her any of those electric ones

MrsH: The best toys are the simplest!  

MrsH: Also I’m terrible at keeping batteries around for those things

MoH: Which one?

MoH: That cute little bear that sings??

MoH: I didn’t buy it but it’s adorable!

JW: It’s not adorable

JW: It’s out to get me

JW: I tried to take it away and she cried for an hour

JW: I’ve been hearing it in my DREAMS

SH: John’s gone a bit mad if you haven’t noticed.

JW: Yes well not all of us can retreat to our mind palaces when the little demon starts its song for the tenth bloody time in an hour

SH: I didn’t buy it, as you know, but I wish I had.

SH: It would have made a fascinating experiment.

SH: How long until the average father of a toddler cracks following receipt of an obnoxious and loud Christmas present?

GL: You’re sure it was one of us?

JW: Yup

JW: You’re the only ones who brought her presents

JW: Besides Harry, who gave her clothes that are about four sizes too large, and Mike Stamford, who sent a book about bees that has found its way into Sherlock’s room

SH: It’s a very educational book.

SH: And written at a very high level despite being for children.

JW: Anyway I know it was one of you that brought this thing into my home

JW: Confess and perhaps we can still be friends

JW: After a period of groveling

JW: It’s playing again right now

JW: You’re better off coming clean, whoever you are

JW: I’ve spent a lot of time around crime scenes

JW: I’d be good at hiding your body and the Met’s star consulting detective would never turn me in because without me he’d have to start making his own tea

SH: He has a point.

GL: Yeah, again, threats aren’t something we want to get in writing

GL: No need to remind all the government agencies listening in how easy it would be for Sherlock to cover up a crime if he were ever so inclined

GL: Speaking of government agencies listening in…

GL: You know who’s been pretty quiet today?

GL: No denials at all?

GL: Mycroft

JW: MYCROFT

JW: Did you give Rosie the abomination

JW: Answer me Mycroft

JW: Answer me or I’ll tell your mum that Wicked wasn’t actually sold out through the summer

MH: No need to resort to childish threats, John.

MH: The bear may have been included amongst the presents sent to Rosamund from my office.

MH: I can’t be certain.

MH: It was very expensive, you realize.

JW: You know what else would be expensive

JW: Having to remove its head from your rectum

MH: Forgive me my generosity.

MH: If you’d like, I can arrange to have it destroyed.

MH: Unless that will upset Rosamund.

JW: Of course it will bloody upset Rosamund!  She’s obsessed with it!  You’ve ruined my life, Mycroft Holmes, and you WILL pay for it!!!

MH: Such dramatics.

MH: You’ve been spending too much time with my brother.

SH: I’ve got an idea.

SH: I’ll run it through the wash.

SH: I can claim it’s an accident, which will be believable since I don’t know how to use the washing machine.

GL: You don’t know how to use the washing machine?!

GL: Honestly

GL: You toff

JW: Oh god please do it

JW: Do it now

JW: I can’t take another moment of it

MH: I’m glad you two have found a way to solve this insuperable dilemma.

MH: Congratulations on your victory over a child of two and a half.

MH: You’ve truly earned your international reputation.