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You Have 487 New Messages (Or, In Which Sherlock Holmes Starts a Grouptext)

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13 November 2017

MrsH: Well Sherlock I have to say I’m a bit disappointed I didn’t hear it from you first

MrsH: <link>http://www.mirror.co.uk/3am/celebrity-news/emma-thompson-sherlock-holmes-surprise-romance-10153272</link>

MrsH: She’s a bit old for you, don’t you think?  

MoH: LOL!!!

GL: Oh that’s brilliant

JW: Hahaha

JW: Best one in a while

JW: Good find Mrs. Hudson

MrsH: I’ve got a google alert for him!  It’s such fun!

SH: I regret showing you how to set that up.

GL: “Though Holmes and Thompson have kept coy about their relationship, a close associate of Holmes says he is ‘smitten’ with her.  ‘He can’t stop talking about her,’ the associate reports.  ‘Anytime he’s not on a case, it’s all Emma this and Emma that.’”

GL: SMITTEN

GL: Can you even imagine Sherlock smitten with anything other than a locked room with a corpse in it?

GL has changed Anything But Lestrade’s Love Life Ta Very Much to Holmes-Thompson Wedding Planning Committee

SH: Drivel.

GL: Yeah, but HILARIOUS drivel

MrsH: Honestly I wish it were true, she seems like such a dear!

MrsH: Perhaps you could at least give it one date, Sherlock?

MoH: I thought you were still hung up on Princess Beatrice??

JW: No, that was ages ago

JW: It was Khloe Kardashian last month I thought

MoH: Oh, right!

SH: Glad you’re all enjoying yourselves.

SH: Haven’t any of you got anything better to do than read the Mirror?  

SH: Don’t most of you have jobs?

GL: Oh my god and the photos!

GL: Where’d they even find a photo of you smiling?!

GL: “Meanwhile, Holmes’ associate noted that the man’s longtime companion, John Watson, is preparing to move out of the home they share in Baker Street. Despite longstanding rumors that Watson and Holmes share more than just a flat, ‘John’s very happy for them,’ says the associate, who asked to remain anonymous to preserve their friendship with Holmes.”

MoH: Oh my goodness! Tossing John and Rosie out for Emma Thompson after just three weeks!

MoH: Must be serious

SH: Absurd.

SH: John is much more likely to request that I vacate 221B than the other way round.

JW: Hang on, what?

JW: Why would I kick you out?

SH: There are several possible reasons.

SH: Would you like a list in order of likelihood?

JW: No, I wouldn’t

JW: That’s ridiculous

JW: You’re ridiculous

JW: Don’t say things like that, I’m not going anywhere and neither are you

JW: Unless you really WOULD like Emma Thompson to move in

JW: In which case I’m sure we can work something out

SH: I don’t even know who Emma Thompson IS.

SH: Is she a politician?

MoH: Oh, Sherlock

GL: And also, who are these anonymous associates of yours?

GL: Have you got other friends???

GL: Since presumably no one here is leaking information about your love life…

MH: I wouldn’t be so sure of that, Detective Inspector.

GL: ???

GL: YOU?!?

MH: The more that is handed to them, ludicrous though it may be, the less they dig.

GL: Hang on

GL: Are you saying that you feed the tabloids lies about Sherlock so they don’t bother looking for anything that’s true?

MH: It does keep things interesting, doesn’t it.

MoH: Do you make it all up then?  All the stuff about Khloe Kardashian and them getting a dog together and taking it on a Mediterranean cruise and everything?

MH: I have people who handle the finer details.

MH: Though the part where he heartbrokenly dove off the ship after she ended things was a personal touch.

MrsH: Ooh I have some ideas next time you need a good one, if you’re taking submissions!

MH: I believe we’re not, at the moment.

MH: But if that changes, Anthea will contact you.