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Absolution

Chapter Text

*Apology*

Jonathan wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans as he waited for her to answer the door. He had so much to make up for and didn't know how she would react to seeing him again.

When nobody answered he turned the doorknob and let himself in. He knew that it might be a mistake, but he had to see her and let her know how sorry he was.

He turned the corner and saw Lily sitting on the floor rocking herself back and forth. She had her hands over her ears and she was counting and he realized that he had already done the one thing that he promised himself that he wouldn't do again.

"I...I'm ssssorry," Jonathan stammered as he took a step closer to her.

"You're bad. You yelled at me...you had a gun," Lily accused as she remembered being held hostage by Jonathan just six months earlier.

"I've changed...they cut out the bad," Jonathan said as he removed his hat and showed Lily the scar. Words got jumbled up in his head now, but he hoped that he had chosen the right words to let her know that she didn't need to be afraid of him any longer.

"They cut out the bad?" Lily asked as she stopped rocking and looked into his eyes.

"I had sturgery and now I'm different," Jonathan said as he took another step towards her.

"No,no, no, you're bad," Lily said over and over again as she began to rock herself again.

"I'm not going to...to hurt you. I'm sorry," Jonathan said as he ran out of the house. "I'm sorry Lily," he whispered as he wiped a tear from his eyes. He didn't know how, but he had to find a way to make up for all of his past misdeeds.

Chapter Text

*Believe*

Lily sat in the hospital waiting room waiting for Julia to open the doors so she could go to her Life Skills class. Lily looked at her watch...Julia was two minutes late. She didn't like it when things didn't go as scheduled. It made her feel scared and confused. She tried to tell herself to be patient for just a little longer as she stared at the minutes ticking by on her clock.

"Jonathan?" She asked as she looked up and saw him entering the waiting room. He was wearing the same blue hat that he had been wearing the last time that she saw him.

"Hi Lily...I...I didn't know that you would be in doctor Julia's class. I...I can find another class to go to if you want me to," Jonathan stammered as he fidgeted nervously with his hands.

He was different than the way she remembered him. He didn't look angry like he had in the past. His eyes were no longer clouded with anger, they were calm now. Maybe Jonathan wasn't trying to trick her...maybe the doctors really had cut out the bad.

"No, you don't have to do that. Life skills is an important class to take and Julia is a wonderful teacher. You can come sit by me if you would like," Lily offered as she smiled at him.

"I don't want to scare you. I...I'm not bad anymore," Jonathan stated.

"I believe you," Lily stated.

"You do?" Jonathan asked.

"Your eyes are different now. They're not scary like they used to be."

"Thanks for believing in me," Jonathan said as he sat down by Lily.

Chapter Text

*Comfort*

Jonathan couldn't wait to see the smile on Lilly's face when she saw the Christmas wreath that he had bought for her tree. He had spent hours looking for the perfect wreath without red on it. He hoped that she would like it. He had hurt her so much before he had changed and now all he wanted to do was to make her smile.

He paused when he got there. She was inside her tree house rocking back and forth as she counted. He could tell that she had been crying,

"Lilly, what's wrong?" Jonathan asked.

"I'm not stupid."

"I know that you're not. You're the smartest girl that I know."

"I'm not smart enough to know that you're a bad man."

"I...I'm not Lilly. I don't want to hurt you. See there's no red," he said as he motioned to the wreath that he had got her.

"You already have hurt me. Sam said that I'm stupid to believe that you changed and it hurts me that I'm not his girlfriend anymore."

"Why not?"

"Sam kissed me with his toungue. He wants me to have sex with him and I can't. I wish that I wasn't a freak. I just want to be like normal girls," Lilly cried.

"You're not a freak, you're special."

"Not special in a good way."

"You are to me. Lilly you're my best friend and I think that you are perfect just the way that you are and if Sam can't see that, well then he's the one that's stupid." Jonathan stated as he knelt by her side. He wanted to take her in his arms and comfort, but couldn't. That would only make things worse, so instead, he held up his hand to hers, so close that they were almost touching, but he left an inch of distance between there hands.

Lilly looked at the wreath in Jonathan's hands. "Thank you for my Christmas wreath Jonathan. I love it," she said as she smiled at him.

Chapter Text

*Dancing*

Lily stood against the wall as she looked at all the couples on the dance floor. She had gone to the Masquerade ball with her dad, but he was busy dancing with Erica.

Everyone looked like they were having so much fun, and Lily wished that she could join them, but her disorder made it impossible. Dancing the Tango with a partner wasn't an option for her since she hated being touched.

"Do you want to dance Lily?" Jonathan asked as he approached her.

"I can't...I don't like being touched," Lily whispered.

"Would you like to dance with me if I promised not to touch you?" Jonathan asked.

"Yes, but I don't see how we can do the Tango without holding hands.

"Here, I'll show you," Jonathan said as he held up his hand.

"Put your hand close to mine and follow my lead," Jonathan whispered as he stepped closer to Lily.

Lily placed her hand as close to Jonathan's as she could and followed his steps as they twirled across the dance floor.

"I can't believe it...we're dancing," Lily said as she giggled.

Thank you for dancing with me," Jonathan whispered.

"Thank you for asking me and thinking of a creative way to make it work," Lily said as the song came to an end.

Chapter Text

*Essential*

Lily sighed as she placed her glasses over her eyes. It was essential that she get this done. She was running out of time. Christmas was only two days away and she needed to buy her family and friends some presents.

She knew that she needed to get her shopping done, but she didn't know how she would do it. The stores were decorated for Christmas which meant that there was red everywhere. She felt overwhelmed by the amount of color. She tried to be brave, but the crowds of the Christmas rush scared her.

It was essential that she get her family presents, but she felt frozen by fear.

"Lily, are you okay?" Jonathan asked.

"There's too many people...too much noise and too much red," Lily whispered as she placed her hands over her ears.

"Yes, it's...it's Christmas time. Is there....is there anything that I can do to help?" Jonathan asked.

"I don't know. I thought that I could do this if I was wearing my sunglasses. It's essential that I get my family presents, but it's just too loud. There's just too many people and I'm scared. I... I think that I will have to try another day and hope that it won't be as busy."

"I'm going shopping for Ryan and Erin, so I can get your gifts too, if you would like?" Jonathan offered.

"I...I think that's a very essential plan. Here's my list and money," Lily said as she handed Jonathan her Christmas list.

"Okay, I...I can meet you at your tree in an hour," Jonathan stated. He knew that Lily would want to go to her tree because of how overwhelmed she was.

"Thanks Jonathan, I really don't know what I would have done without you," Lily stated as she headed out of the store.

Chapter Text

*Fight*

"Sam, what are you doing here?" Lily asked as she arrived at her tree house and saw her ex-boyfriend. He was sitting on the ground by her tree and he was drinking a beer.

"Lily, I was waiting for you. I didn't like the way that we left things," Sam stated as he took a step closer to her.

"I was sad when we broke up, but maybe it was for the best."

"It wasn't for the best. Being with you is the only good thing that I have in my life," Sam said as he grabbed her hand.

"I like being with you too, but I don't see how we can work out. We're just too different. You want to touch me and kiss me and have sex with me, and I can't do those things," Lily pointed out as she yanked her hand away as if he had scalded her.

"Yes, I want to touch you, but I can be patient. We can move as slow as you need until you're ready for more."

"That's just it, I don't know if I'll ever be ready for more, but it's not just that. You don't want me to be friends with Jonathan. You think I'm stupid because I want to be his friend."

"I should have never said that Lily, but Jonathan hasn't changed. He killed my father and he kidnapped you. Please promise me that you'll cut him out of your life."

"I can't do that, Jonathan is my friend."

"Damnit Lily, he's not a friend, he's just using you," Sam said as he threw the beer bottle in anger.

"No, no, no," Lily cried out as the beer bottle shattered.

"I'm sorry Lily," Sam apologized as he took her in his arms.

"No,no, no, you make everything red," Lily said as she pushed him away and crouched to the ground.

"What...what did you do to her?" Jonathan asked as he arrived at the tree and saw that Lily was crouched in fear as she counted.

"None of your business, so just keep walking Lavery."

"I'm not going to leave...when she...when she needs me."

"She doesn't need you Jonathan. I know how to take care of Lily."

"Why don't we ask her what she needs," Jonathan stated as he crouched by Lily's side.

"719, 720, 721, 722, 723," Lily chanted as she covered her ears and tried to hide from the argument.

"She's so messed up right now, she doesn't know what she needs," Sam shouted.

"Yes, she does, don't you Lily? I know that everything is loud and red right now and I want to help you. Will you let me help you?" Jonathan asked as he held up his hand.

Lily took a deep breath and then held her hand up against Jonathan. "I...I need you Jonathan, please help me make the red disappear," she pleaded as she looked into his eyes.

"This isn't over...I'm going to make sure you lose everything Lavery," Sam said as he walked away.

"Shhhh, Sam is leaving and he...he is taking all the red with him. Just stay here with me and focus on your breathing," Jonathan stated. He desperately wanted to hold her in his arms and take away all of her fears, but that wouldn't help her. He would have to settle with sitting by her side for as long as it took for the red to disappear.

"You were right Jonathan, the red's gone now. Sam took all the red with him when he left. I'm safe now," Lily stated five minutes after Sam had walked away.

Chapter Text

*Girlfriend*

"Lily, can I ask you something?" Jonathan asked as their life skills class ended.

"You can ask me anything," Lily stated.

"Will you...will you be my girlfriend?" Jonathan asked.

"I don't think that I'd make a good girlfriend."

"Why not?"

"I thought I was Aiden's girlfriend but I wasn't. I wanted to be with Sam until he got angry and made everything red, and then I didn't. I just...I'm not like other girls."

"Well,you would be the perfect girlfriend for me."

"How would that work?" Lily asked.

"I know that you...that you don't like being touched Lily, but I'm just happy when I can spend time with you, so I'm okay with that. You're beautiful and the smartest girl I've ever known. You're caring and you listen to your heart. You believed in me, believed that I had changed when nobody else did. You're my best friend Lily."

"You're my best friend too Jonathan. So yes, I'll be your girlfriend."

"Can I walk you home?" Jonathan asked as he pulled out his handkerchief and held on to one end of it.

"Yes, I would like that very much," Lily said as she grabbed the other end of the handkerchief and headed out of the hospital together.

Chapter Text

*Hide*

"Jonathan, thank you for meeting me here," Lily stated as she got to her tree house.

"You sounded upset on the phone. Is everything okay?"

"My dad was upset when he learned that you walked me home from class yesterday. He doesn't think that you've changed. He doesn't want me to see you anymore," Lily explained.

"Does this mean...does this mean that you can't be my girlfriend?"

"My dad's wrong about you Jonathan. I know that you've changed. We just...we'll have to hide our relationship from him until we can come up with a plan to convince him that you've changed."

"Lily, I'm not sure that lying to your father is a good idea."

"Why not? He lied to me...he told me that he wants me to be happy more than anything, but if he did then he wouldn't try to ban me from seeing you. I don't like the fact that we have to hide either, but it's just a temporary solution until I turn eighteen," Lily explained.

"I...I don't want you to get into trouble because of me," Jonathan stammered.

"I won't...we'll be careful, but I don't want to lose you."

"You can't, you won't. We'll hide our feelings for one another until you turn eighteen next month and then no one will be able to keep us from being together," Jonathan declared.

Chapter Text

*Ice-Skating*

"Do you want to go Ice-Skating?" Jonathan asked as he showed up at Lily's tree.

"I've never been Ice-skating. Is it scary? What if I fall?"

"You might fall at first, and I might fall. It's a part of learning to skate, but if we fall we can help each other up."

"Will there be a lot of people?"

"No, I found a secluded pond," Jonathan explained.

"Okay, let's go skating," Lily said as she followed him to the pond.

When she got their she put on her skates and went skating for her first time.

Chapter Text

*Jealousy*

"Why don't you open your birthday present?" Jonathan asked as they finished eating their sandwiches. Jonathan had surprised Lily with an early birthday party at the boathouse.

"You got us two tickets on a train to Boston," Lily stated as she opened the bag and pulled out the tickets.

"It's so we can move to Boston so that we can live there while you go to MIT. Do you like it?"

"I've never been to Boston before so I'm glad that my first time will be with you."

"Hide Lily, someone's coming," Jonathan warned as he heard a twig snapping in the distance.

Lily quickly got up and hid in the closet.

"Jonathan, I thought that was you. What are you doing?" Jonathan asked.

"I...I was just thinking, staring out at the water," Jonathan lied.

"Who were you talking to?" Erin asked.

"No one."

"Jonathan, did you bring Lily here. You know that Jack doesn't want you seeing her," Ryan chided.

"I...I'm alone."

"Then why are there two plates?" Erin asked.

"Jonathan, you're not embarrassed of me, are you?" Amanda asked as she headed to the boathouse with a bouquet of flowers.

"No, I just thought that you had left," Jonathan lied.

"Like I would cut out on one of the nicest guys I know," Amanda said as she kissed him.

Lily looked out from her hiding place and felt confused and upset by the kiss that she saw. Perhaps Jonathan was happier with a girl like Amanda, someone that he could touch, hold and kiss. Perhaps he thought that she was too much trouble.

"Why didn't you just tell us that you were on a picnic with Ananda?" Ryan asked.

"He didn't want it to get back to Lily until he's had a chance to break up with her," Amanda lied.

"Well, have fun on your picnic," Erin stated as she and Ryan left.

"Thanks for covering for us," Jonathan stated as Lily came out of the closet.

"I...I thought that you didn't want to be with Amanda because it didn't work," Lily stated.

"I don't, no offense," Jonathan explained as he looked at Amanda.

"Well that kiss worked. You should take Amanda to Boston," Lily said as she handed her tickets to Jonathan.

"We were just pretending Lily, that kiss didn't mean anything," Amanda explained.

"Amanda, can I have a minute alone with Lily?"

"Sure, it really didn't mean anything. These flowers were for you," Amanda said as she handed the flowers to Lily and left.

"I brought these tickets for us so that we can live together in Boston. I...I love you Lily and only you."

"Then I...I'm not too much trouble?"

"No, you're the perfect girl for me. Please come to Boston with me?"

"Okay, we'll meet at the train station on my birthday and we'll go to Boston together," Lily stated.

Chapter Text

*Kick*

Going to Boston hadn't gone as Jonathan planned. Jackson found out and threatened to send Lily back to school and she had taken off for New York.

He got a message to meet her there, but then Aiden showed up which frightened her and she took off running. Jonathan was frightened that he would never see Lily again or that the loud and busy city would traumatize her.

Lily had sent him an e-mail with clues on how he could find her, but he had to ditch Aiden, so he hit him over the head with the library book and took off in search of Lily.

When he figured out the clues, he knocked on the door. He could hear Lily crying for help so he kicked down the door.

He felt sickened when he saw that an older man had placed his hand over Lily's mouth as she struggled to get out of his arms. Her shirt has been torn and he was in his boxer shorts.

"Run Lily," Jonathan shouted as he lunged at them and knocked the man to the ground.

Lily slouched in the corner and started to count as the man punched Jonathan and then kicked him over and over again until he was unconscious.

"You didn't see anything," the man said as he took off running.

Chapter Text

*Love*

Jonathan opened his eyes and saw Lily crouched in the corner. His head hurt and it was hard for him to sit up, but he managed to get up for her.

"Lily, are you okay?" He asked her as he placed his hand up to hers, without touching it.

"2001, 2002, 2003," she counted as she took deep breaths. Once she saw Jonathan's hand she was able to focus on him and the red in the room disappeared.

"I'm okay now," she said as she smiled at him.

"Let's go to Central Park for a picnic?" he suggested.

They went to the park and laid down on the picnic blanket that they brought.

"You're really handsome," Lily observed.

"We make a good team. I love you," Lily added as she looked at Jonathan.

"You don't have to say that Lily. I'm just happy if you like me," Jonathan stated as he sat up.

"I know, but I do love you. I can feel a difference. I'm eighteen now and I'm ready to talk about marriage," Lily stated as she slowly reached her hand out to Jonathan's.

Chapter Text

*Marriage*

"Lily, will you marry me?" Jonathan asked as he knelt before her.

"Yes, let's get married today," Lily stated.

Jonathan and Lily headed to the court house and got their marriage license and then met before the judge.

"Do you want to use your own vows?" The judge asked.

"Yes, we have something that we want to say," Jonathan stated.

"Go ahead," the judge encouraged.

"I take you to be my partner for life. I promise above all else to live in truth with you. And to communicate fully and fearlessly, I give you my hand and my heart and a sanctuary of warmth and peace and pledge my love, devotion, faith and honor as I join my life to yours," Jonathan and Lily promised one another.

"Do you Jonathan take Lily to be your wedded wife?" The judge asked.

"I do.

"Do you Lily take Jonathan to be your husband?"

"I do."

"By the powers invested to me by the great State of New York, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss your bride," the judge stated.

Lily paused as she looked into Jonathan's eyes. They slowly brushed their lips together as the door opened.

"Lily, please tell me that I'm not too late. Please tell me that you didn't do what I think you did?" Jackson pleaded as he and Aiden walked into the courtroom.

Chapter Text

*Negotiation*

"Jonathan and I are married and we're going to Boston so that I can go to MIT," Lily explained.

"You can't be...you just can't," Jackson whispered as he shook his head.

"I'm eighteen now...I'm an adult and can make my own choices and I choose to be with Jonathan.

"I know that you're not a little girl anymore and that you like Jonathan. I am willing to agree to letting the two of you have supervised dates but you are simply too young to be married. We can have this marriage annulled."

"No, I love Jonathan, he is my husband and I am his wife."

"Jack,can I talk to you alone for a minute?" Aiden cut in.

"She's too young Aiden, she's making a mistake by marrying that killer," Jackson argued as they walked to the back of the courtroom.

"If you want to keep Lily in your life then you're going to have to respect the choices that she makes. Jonathan's changed...I suggest that you try to accept that for Lily's sake," Aiden countered as they walked back to where Lily and Jonathan were standing.

"Lily, it's going to take time to go to MIT. You'll have to fill out the paperwork and get accepted. What if you and Jonathan both come back home with me until you get that all sorted out. I won't insist on an annulment," Jackson compromised.

"It would be uncomfortable for Jonathan and you to live together so I'll come back to Pine Valley, but Jonathan and I will get our own place."

"You can stay in Greenlee's old apartment...Just come back home."

"Thanks dad," Lily said.

"Yeah, thanks dad," Jonathan said as he smiled.

"Don't push your luck," Jackson growled as they walked out of the courtroom.

Chapter Text

*Open*

"Can you believe how many gifts we got?" Lily said as she walked into her new apartment with Jonathan.

Once word got out that she was married her family and friends threw them a surprise wedding/ house warming party. After the party ended they spent hours opening all the different gifts for their new apartment.

"Everyone loves you Lily and they want you to be happy. Are you?"

"I'm very happy. I like being Mrs. Jonathan Lavery," Lily stated as she blushed.

"I got you a present," Jonathan said as he handed Lily a present.

"I...I didn't get you anything."

"That's okay...you're the only present that I need," Jonathan stated.

"Open it," Jonathan encouraged.

"It's a new pair of sunglasses and a nightgown," Lily said as she pulled out a light blue flannel nightgown.

"I...I know that tonight will be your first time sharing a room and a bed with someone else and I...I just wanted you to have everything that you need to feel safe."

"Jonathan, you're all I need to feel safe, but thank you for the sunglasses and the nightgown. I'm going to go change for bed," Lily stated as she headed into the bathroom to change into her new present.

Chapter Text

*Picnic*

"What do you want to do today Mrs. Lavery?" Jonathan asked as he sat up in bed. They had been married for a month now and waking up to find her by his side was still his favorite part of the day.

"Do you want to go and have a picnic in the park? The leaves are starting to change colors and this might be the last chance that we can do this before Winter," Lily pointed out.

"That's a great idea. I'll get some things ready while you take a shower," Jonathan stated.

A half hour later they arrived at the park. Jonathan laid out the picnic blanket while Lily pulled out the frisbee.

"It's not quite lunch time, but we can play frisbee until noon," Lily stated as she threw the frisbee to Jonathan.

Jonathan caught the frisbee, but he sensed that things were changing...something was wrong.

He heard Lily call out his name as he collapsed and fell to the ground. She was the last person he saw before everything changed to black.

Chapter Text

*Quiet*

Jonathan realized that everything was different as he opened his eyes. He was no longer in the park, but in a hospital. He felt as if the mental fog that had surrounded him had lifted. Everything was faster, sharper and clearer.

"Jonathan, are you okay, I was so worried when Lily called and said that you collapsed in the park. Is it the tumor?" Erin asked as she looked at Doctor Josh Madden.

"It's not the tumor...Jonathan's CAT scans look completely normal. He is completely healthy," the doctor stated before he left the room.

"I'm so glad that you're okay," Erin said as she hugged him.

"I'm more then okay, I'm back, I'm not cognitively impaired any more. Lily, where's Lily?" Jonathan asked as he looked around the room.

"Are you okay?" Lily asked as she entered the room with Aiden.

"I'm fantastic."

"I'm so happy that you're okay. I was so worried about you. I can take you home and take care of you. If it was anybody else, I'd be scared, but you and I are the same. We fit perfectly so I would appreciate it if you didn't die or change anytime soon," Lily said.

"Lily, sometimes change can be wonderful thing," Erin said.

"I can handle a little change just as long as we stay the same," Lily said as she slowly hugged Jonathan.

"I...I'm fine Lily. Doctor Josh stated that there no tumor in me," Jonathan said as he intentionally stammered.

"You must be hungry, you're schedule Lily, you haven't eaten all day."

"I'll take care of it. Let's go to the cafeteria," Aiden said as he and Lily left the room.

"Jonathan, are you..."

"It's still me, but I can't tell Lily the truth."

"You can't lie to her."

"I have no other choice. If Lily doesn't want me to change then I won't. Please Erin...Please keep quiet. I love her, I can't lose her."

"I'll keep quiet, but Jonathan, a lie this big will eventually come out."

"I won't let it. I am smart enough to act impaired for Lily's sake. I would do anything for her."

"I'll keep quiet, but I hope that you change your mind and tell Lily the truth," Erin stated as she walked out of his room.

Chapter Text

*Revelation*

It had been three months since his seizure and every day Jonathan lied to his wife. He loved her so much, but he was afraid that if he told her the truth, the change would be too much for her and she would leave.

Every day he was falling more and more in love with her. She had become his entire life and making her happy was the only thing that he cared about. He knew that it was a big gamble to build their relationship on a house of cards, but she was worth the risk.

He thought that everything he loved would come tumbling down when Jackson had overheard him and Erin talking about his secret. He told Lily the truth, but she refused to listen to her dad.

Things had gone from bad to worse when Jackson decided to go through the motion of having Lily declared incompetent so that he could have the marriage annulled. Sitting in that court room day in and day out as doctor after doctor took the stand and testified that Lily wasn't capable of making decisions was complete torture. He knew the only way to stop this whole charade was to tell Lily the truth.

"Stop it...just stop it," Jonathan shouted as he stood up.

"Order in the court, please sit down and be quiet or I will have you escorted out of here," the judge threatened as he banged the gravel on his desk.

"Please stop this Jackson, can't you see how much you are hurting your daughter?" Jonathan pleaded.

"All of this will stop if you just tell her the truth," Jackson countered.

"We're going to take a ten minute recess while you sort this all out," the judge announced as he left the court room.

"Lily, when I had the seizure in the park, something changed. I was scared to tell you that I was no longer cognitively impaired. I didn't want to lose you," Jonathan confessed.

"I...I don't understand. The seizure was months ago, you've been faking your disorder this whole time. You lied to me and you just thought that I would be too stupid to understand?"

"It wasn't like that. I love you so much Lily."

"Then you wouldn't have lied to me. I...I don't want anything to do with either one of you," Lily cried out as she ran from the courtroom.

Chapter Text

*Separation*

When Lily got home she grabbed a suitcase and began to gather her belongings.

"Lily, we need to talk...are you leaving me?" Jonathan asked as he saw her suitcase.

"I talked to Greenlee and she's going to let me stay with her for a few weeks," Lily said as she continued to pack.

"I know that I hurt you, but please don't leave me," Jonathan pleaded as he reached out for her hand without thinking.

"Don't...red...your lies are red," Lily said over and over again as she recoiled from his touch.

"I'm sorry Lily, I wasn't thinking," Jonathan whispered.

"You used to be my partner and you helped me to get rid of the red, but now there's just...there's red everywhere," Lily said as she grabbed her sunglasses and put them on.

"We can work through this. I promise that I'll help to make the red go away. I'll make it up to you and I'll never lie to you again."

"The damage is already done. You're not who I thought that you were and we no longer fit together," Lily said as she grabbed her suitcase.

"Are you...are you ending our marriage?" Jonathan asked.

"No, I just need space...separation from you, from all the red while I analyze all of the data and calculate what would be best for us."

"You're what's best for me," Jonathan argued.

"That may be, but I don't know if you're what's best for me, not anymore. I need time and space to figure that out."

"I'll give you all the space here, but please...just don't go."

"I have to...there's just too much red here."

"When will I see you again?" Jonathan asked.

"I don't know," Lily whispered as she picked up her suitcase and walked out the door.

Chapter Text

*Traumatized*

Jonathan couldn't help but worry when he learned that Terri was back in Pine Valley. The sick bastard was obsessed with his Lily. She was still mad at him and was vulnerable and unprotected. He didn't know what he would do if anything happened to her...she was everything to him.

He went to her house where Greenlee gladly informed him that Lily was meeting someone that she met online. She went on to tell him that the boy had Aspergers and was perfect for Lily.

Jonathan didn't say anything, he just turned around, got in his car and drove away. He had to find Lily. It was possible that she was meeting someone like her, but every instinct that he had was telling him that she was falling into a trap set by Terri Mcdermont.

He drove to the site of Lili's treehouse as he prayed that would be the location for the meeting. His blood ran cold as he heard a gunshot in the surrounding woods by the treehouse.

He followed the sound and saw that his Lily had been traumatized. She stared right through him with a glassy, far-away look in her eyes. She was naked and Terri was touching her.

Jonathan felt frozen in fear as his world became colored in red. He had read that this could happen with trauma and he knew that it happened for Lily. He briefly wondered if she felt the frozen crippling feeling that only fear could bring when her world became clouded with fear.

He saw the gun next to Terri and he knew that he had to act fast. He grabbed it, and shot him over and over again until there were no more bullets to be fired.

Chapter Text

*United*

It had been a long night at the police station. He had spent the whole night answering their questions, but they finally let him leave once Jack had come to defend him of the allegations.

"How is she?" Jonathan asked as he entered Lily's hospital room to see Jackson sitting vigil by her side.

"No change. I'm just hoping that you'll be able to reach my little girl and bring her back to us," Jackson responded as his voice broke.

Jonathan's heart broke as he looked at Lily. Her eyes were open, but they didn't register anything. They were empty...she had disconnected from the world around her. Jonathan couldn't blame her from wanting to escape from what that bastard had done to her, but selfishly, he needed to reach her and bring her back to awareness and back to him.

"I'll give you some time alone," Jack whispered as he stood up and headed to the door.

"I'm sorry that I didn't get there in time," Jonathan whispered.

"We all made mistakes when it comes to her, but she's alive because of you and I'll never forget that," Jackson said as he walked out the door.

"I'm here Lily. I love you so much and I know that you're scared but you don't have to be. I'll never let anybody ever hurt you again," Jonathan whispered to her as he sat by her side.

XOXOXO

Lily sat in a white room that was surrounded by mathematical equations. A part of her knew that she wasn't really in that room. She saw a door that she could walk through if she wanted to leave, but she didn't want to go. The absence of red and the equations comforted her even if they weren't real.

"Lily," she heard Jonathan's voice calling from the other side of the door.

"Jonathan?" She whispered as she placed her hand on the door. She missed him so much, but she missed the way that he used to be, he had changed so much and told so many lies that she wasn't sure if she knew him anymore.

"Go...go to him," she heard his voice whispering as the Jonathan she knew appeared by her side.

"I don't know if I can, he's not you."

"He's changed, but I'm still a part of him. Listen to his voice, can't you hear me in the love that he has for you?"

"Yeah, but what if it's a trick? What if his love is just another lie. I don't know if I can go back to him when I could stay here where it's safe with you," Lily argued.

"Yes you could stay here, but you would be leaving those that love you like Jackson, Greenlee, Kendall and me. I'm waiting for you on the other side of the door. Please, please don't choose to stay here. Nothing here is real, but your life is waiting for you."

"I...I'm scared. What if Terri is on the other side of the door."

"Do you trust me?"

"More then anything."

"Then believe me when I tell you that...that you'll be safe with me," Jonathan stammered as he held out his hand towards hers.

Lily smiled as she saw the Kleenex in Jonathan's hand. Nobody understood her the way that he did, she just hoped that she wouldn't lose that by taking this chance. She took a deep breath and then they walked through the door together.

Lily blinked her eyes and saw Jonathan sitting by her side. He had the crease in his forehead, the ones that he always got when he was worried.

"Don't worry...I'm going to be okay," she whispered as she placed her hand over his, without really thinking about it.

"Lily...I...I'm never going to let anybody hurt you again."

"I know," she whispered as she smiled at him.

Chapter Text

*Visit*

"Greenlee, Kendall, what are you doing here?" Lily asked as she opened the door.

"We came to visit? How are you doing?" Kendall asked as she and Greenlee walked in to the apartment that she shared with Jonathan.

"Jonathan's taking great care of me, but there's been an unexpected complication from what Terri did to me," Lily whispered.

"What kind of complication?" Kendall asked.

"I'm pregnant."

"Lily, what are you going to do?" Greenlee asked.

"Jonathan's been absolutely amazing. He said that he'll be the father if I want to keep this child, but I don't know if it's something that I can do. I want this baby, but I don't know how if I'll be a good mom."

"You'll be a fantastic mom," Jonathan said as he walked out into their living room.

"What kind of love will this baby feel if I can't hold him or her?"

"The baby will know that they are loved whether you're able to hold them or not. You're love is unlike any other love and the baby will feel it just like I feel it," Jonathan said.

"Jonathan's right Lily. I was scared when I was pregnant with Spike. I didn't know what kind of mom, I would turn out to be. I contemplated giving the baby up for adoption, but my friends and family supported me and in the end I knew that I could keep my child," Kendall stated.

"Thanks Kendall, I appreciate your support. We have an appointment in 45 minutes so we have to leave, but thanks for coming with Greenlee to visit me," Lily stated as she grabbed her sunglasses and purse and walked her visitors to the door.

Chapter Text

*Waiting*

"What do you think she will look like?" Lily asked as Jonathan held her hand.

It had been a long nine months of waiting, but now the moment was almost here and the anticipation of meeting their child had them both nervous and excited.

"She's going to have your beautiful, expressive eyes that I love so much, and she'll have your smile that can light up a room," Jonathan whispered.

"Can I kiss you Mrs. Lavery," he asked.

"I would love that Mr. Lavery," Lily said as she brought her lips to his in a sensuous kiss.

"Are you ready to become parents?" Doctor Josh Madden asked as he entered their room so that he could bring Lily to the O.R. for her C-Section.

"We're ready," Lily said as she smiled at Jonathan. Their wait was almost over and they couldn't be happier about it.

Chapter Text

Xerena

Lily and Jonathan didn't have to wait long before the surgeon had cut their little girl free from her mother's abdomen.

Lily was wearing a very dark pair of sunglasses that made it impossible to see any of the red from her blood until she was all stitched together and cleaned up.

"It's all cleaned up. Do you want to hold our little girl?" Jonathan asked as he helped Lily take off her glasses.

"I would like to try," she whispered as she focused on Jonathan's face.

Jonathan gently laid the baby in Lily's arm. "What do you think we should name her?" Jonathan asked.

"I think that we should name her Xerena. It means Tranquil. She's so quiet and calm and holding her gives me a feeling of peace that I thought was impossible to feel by holding someone in my arms. Normally my senses are overloaded when I touch anybody, but she's different. I feel calm and happy when I'm with her."

"That's wonderful Lily and I think that's the perfect name for our little peacemaker," Jonathan whispered as he leaned down and kissed her head.

Chapter Text

Yearn

"Guess what? The doctor said that I'm all healed and that we don't have to wait any longer," Lily said to Jonathan as they laid their daughter down for bed.

"Wait for what?" Jonathan asked.

"We can be intimate with one another. I know that we've never been together, but I want to try. I want to make love to you. I think that I'm finally ready," Lily said as she grabbed Jonathan's hand and guided him towards their bedroom.

"It's okay if you're not Lily. I love you just the way that you are."

"I know that Jonathan and I love you too, but I want to show you how much I love you. I know how much you must have yearned for me all these years. You've never strayed when you had every reason too. You've been so patient and loving with me and I know that you would never hurt me. I don't want to be in limbo with you anymore. I want us to be together in every way that counts."

"I don't want to hurt or scare you Lily."

"You won't...I'm safe with you and you're safe with me. In the past sex has always scared me because of my disorder, but you've changed all that for me. It doesn't hurt when I touch and I want you, Jonathan...I want to become one with you," Lily pleaded as she began to unbutton her blouse.

"I want you too. I've wanted you so much," Jonathan whispered as he pulled her into his arms.

After their clothes were discarded they fell onto their bed. Jonathan gently traced a trail of kisses all over Lily as his finger worked it's way to her warm, moist center.

"I'm ready for you," Lily whispered in his ear as she nibbled on it.

Jonathan looked into her eyes for a reaction as he ran his penis against her folds. He didn't see pain or fear, but a look of love and satisfaction. He never thought that he would ever see that look on her face and he certainly never thought that they would be as close as they now were.

He slowly pushed into her as she arched her back to receive as much of him as she could. He thrusted into her over and over again until she was crying out his name in an orgasmic bliss. Her cry's of ecstasy caused him to release himself into her.

"Making love to you is the best feeling in the world Mr. Lavery," Lily said as she smiled.

"Being with you was more then I could have hoped for. You have been worth the wait...you are my heart, my soul, my everything Mrs. Lavery and I think that our days of yearning for one another are over," he said as he kissed her and they began to make love all over again.

Chapter Text

*Zoo*

It was a beautiful day outside and Lily and Jonathan had just pulled up to the zoo.

"Let me see her, let me see my beautiful niece," Kendall said as soon as they got out of the car.

"Only if you let me hold my nephew," Lily said as she handed her daughter over to Kendall.

Ryan placed Ian in Lily's arms and smiled at his brother. There was a time when Ryan thought that he would never see his brother happy again. There had been so much pain and heartache in their past, but Lily had been a miracle for his brother. She had brought him happiness when nothing else could.

"Hey Ryan, I'm glad that you and Kendall found your way back to one another," Jonathan commented.

"It was bound to happen eventually. She's my soulmate just like Lily is yours."

"I want to see the animals daddy," Spike said as he looked at his dad.

"Okay, buddy let's go see the animals," he said as he lifted his son up on his shoulders and they walked into the zoo for some quality family time.