Work Header

Five times SG-1 set foot on a planet, only to immediately turn around and go home

Work Text:

1. SG-1 stepped out of the wormhole. Daniel sneezed eight times in the first minute. “Bless,” Jack said. “Carter, dial us out.”

2. Jack doesn’t know who the last visitors were to PSF-3908, but they hadn’t made a good impression. What the MALP reported as bog and mud was the effluvia from a sewage plant. Apparently burying the gate wouldn’t have sent quite the right message.

3. Five minutes out from the gate on PFX-447, SG-1 encountered a welcome party of twelve women. They were gorgeous, naked, drunk, and friendly. “Back up, slowly,” Jack said to his team. “Hello, ladies!” he boomed to the natives. “Just realized we forgot the dip and chips. We’ll be back soon!” Hammond sent an all-female team a week later.

4. In the early days, they ventured onto one planet the meteorologists called “volatile.” Fortunately, they were still wearing helmets then. The hail was the size of softballs.

5. At first glance, PSF-589 seemed like an empty grassland. A few steps in, Carter repressed a scream and jumped back toward the gate. Jack looked down. The ground was crawling with small, green snakes. “Damn!” he said. Daniel looked a little green himself, but offered the opinion that it must be spawning season. They might have ventured a bit farther, but just then Teal’c’s symbiote burst from his navel and began to scream. They hit the wormhole running.

A later team examined the snakes to see if they could figure out why they alarmed the Goa’uld symbiote, but no one ever came up with a useful weapon. Jack suggested beaming a passel of them into the engine room of a mother ship. No one laughed.