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So Here's what You're Not Going to Do

Chapter 12

Summary:

“I want to forgive you though,” Lance admits, “I want us to be ok. I don’t like being mad at you Shiro, it makes me feel gross. So…”

The blue paladin moves and leans back against his room door, sliding down until he’s sitting directly across from the leader.

“Let’s have it then.”

Notes:

Wow. We've come full circle my peoples! I'm happy to say that I've completed my first story in the Voltron Fandom!
Please do enjoy. I legit teared up while writing this so I hope the emotions ring true for others as well.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

This is ridiculous.

 

Takashi Shirogane is one of the Garrison’s best and brightest. He’d been given supervisory duties at the ripe age of eighteen, and has been responsible for someone ever since. He went to Kerberos. Got captured by the Galra. Survived the coliseum. Got taken by the druids. Survived the druids experimentation. Became the Champion. Escaped with the help of Ulaz. Became the leader of Voltron. Lead Voltron. Defeated Zarkon. Became one with the Black Lion.

 

Shiro shouldn’t be nervous or afraid of anything but himself by this point. But he is.

 

“Er…” Hunk mumbles awkwardly, “Should I go?...Should I stay?”

 

Lance sighs, “go ahead buddy,” he pats Hunk on the arm, “get some sleep. You’ve put in a lot of work today.”

 

The yellow paladin hesitates, wringing his hands as he looks between the leader and the blue paladin with anxious eyes. Shiro almost hopes that Hunk chooses to stay, Lance’s posture is tense, but with an underlying security that he realizes he’s only ever seen when the two are together. Shiro is noticing a lot of things he should have already noticed tonight.

 

But then Hunk pats Lance on the shoulder, and send Shiro a gaze that’s somehow sympathetic but serious all at the same time.

 

‘I wish I could help you fix this ,’ his face says, ‘ but you need to do it yourself, ’ is what Shiro gathers from his eyes.

 

Hunk is a true protector if there ever was one.

 

“I guess I’ll see you guys later then?” Later. Not tomorrow. Because tomorrow is technically already here.

 

Why does time feel like it’s been dragging on for so long? A large fraction of that time was spent with his lion, so Shiro really shouldn’t feel like the majority of his day has been awful. Somewhere within the bracket of him seeing Pidge in the hall, confronting Lance, that apocalyptic training session, trying to explain to Allura what happened, changing their itinerary for tomorrow with Coran and Allura, all the calm and peace he’d felt upon departing the astral plane and Black had faded away.

 

Now he feels wound up, shaky, and terrible about himself.

 

Shiro has never felt so badly about his own actions. If there’s one thing he’s always prided himself on, it was his decision making skills. He’s been holding onto that this entire time, with chunks of his memory gone and a grim haunting of his dreams at night, Shiro was always secure in the fact that he was capable of making well-informed and thoughtful decisions. Even in his bouts of terror and rage from a flashback, he could always come back from it when given a chance. Even when he was worn out and tired and just wanting to leave everything up to someone else for once, Shiro could find solace in the fact that he’d made the right decision in leaving control of Voltron to Keith.

 

(No one really talks about the period in time where Shiro was gone, other than to commend Lance, Hunk and Coran for how they kept everything together. It’s also one of the blank spots in Black’s memories that she has not chosen to share with him, so Shiro doesn’t even feel as secure in that decision anymore.)

 

He knows he isn’t the best leader (most don’t get crippled by PTSD at the absolute worst times), but Shiro’s always thought that he did more good than he did harm to his team.

 

And then today happened.

 

Hunk slinks away silently, and Shiro finds himself staring up at the blue paladin.

 

Lance doesn’t look like he’s two steps from going off the deep end anymore, which is a relief. Seeing him go off on Allura like that was honestly a little scary. Shiro doesn’t like not recognizing people he can claim to know well.

 

But then again, how well can he claim to know Lance? Not very much apparently.

 

Lance doesn’t even look as tense as he did when he opened the door for Shiro earlier. His face is significantly more calm. But it is not open. The blue paladin regards Shiro with a very guarded, almost mistrustful, expression. It hurts .

 

“Lance,” he murmurs. He can’t bring himself to speak any louder than just above a whisper. “Can we talk?”

 

There’s a pause.

 

“Well. We have to,” Lance murmurs back, “don’t we?”

 

They have to . No, that won’t do at all.

 

“We don’t ,” Shiro insists, “I’m not here to pressure you into having a conversation. You can send me away if you want.”

 

Lance looks away.

 

“I promise you,” Shiro says quietly, “I promise you, Lance. Say the word, and I’m gone. But…” he pauses to swallow hardly, “I’d really like the opportunity to speak with you tonight.”

 

And that’s not a lie. Shiro is tired. He’s so very tired, and honestly just wants to lick his wounds for while. But everyone else has come to some form of reconciliation with the blue paladin tonight. He doesn’t want to be the only one on uncertain terms. He’d never get to sleep. Shiro is Lance’s leader.

 

And he hopes and prays that he’s still Lance’s friend.

 

“I’m…” Lance says softly, still not looking at Shiro. Why won’t Lance look at him? “I’m...I’m angry at you, Shiro.”

 

“Oh,” the black paladin knew this already. So why does hearing Lance say it make his chest hurt so much?

 

“But more than that,” the hispanic boy finally looks back to him, “I...I don’t get it.”

 

Shiro’s intake of breath is harsh and sharp. Lance’s blue eyes glisten with unshed tears under the hallway lights.

 

“I don’t get it, Shiro,” Lance mutters, “I don’t understand what happened with us today.”

 

“Lance,” Shiro says quickly, “Lance. Please don’t cry.”

 

“I don’t want to!” the blue paladin insists, voice shaky. He swipes an arm over his face roughly. “I don’t want to be angry at you! I don’t want to cry when I see you! You’re supposed to my leader. My hero! Someone I look up to! Someone I want to see just for the sake of watching you be you! And if not that,” Lance breathes deeply, “then you should be my friend! Someone who I can count on to at least talk to me and treat me with some level of decency!”

 

The black paladin’s mouth goes dry. He knows that Lance has always held some degree of hero worship for him. It honestly grated on him more than it made him happy. Lance has always had this idea of Shiro that the he has never had of himself. And seeing the blue paladin use this idea of him as a basis for how to interact with him actually annoyed Shiro quite a bit at first.

 

But then Lance got to know him. Lance made an effort to get to know his leader. And his efforts were not lost on Shiro. The elder had noticed how Lance would talk to him more casually, approach him more easily, not expect that much out of him, see things about him that most people tended to skim over. He quickly began to take Shiro the person seriously, and not just Shiro of the Kerberos Mission. Shiro had appreciated it more than he showed.

 

And he’d thought that he himself had made the same effort. But he didn’t.

 

Even sitting here now, Shiro realizes just how little he knows about the blue paladin. And he’s ashamed of himself for it. Just as much as he’s ashamed of the fact that he’s ruined Lance’s perception of him.

 

“Lance,” Shiro begs, “please talk to me. Please let me explain.”

 

“I don’t know if I want to hear your explanation Shiro,” Lance admits with a defeated shrug. “How you explain yourself to me is going to affect how I see you after tonight,” he states plainly, “and I’m not sure if I’m ready to lose a friend if your explanation isn’t enough for me to forgive you.”

 

Shiro’s heart stops.

 

“Lance,” his eyes well up, “ please .”

 

“I want to forgive you though,” Lance admits, “I want us to be ok. I don’t like being mad at you Shiro, it makes me feel gross. So…”

 

The blue paladin moves and leans back against his room door, sliding down until he’s sitting directly across from the leader.

 

“Let’s have it then.”

 

 

“Are you certain that this planet is still there, Princess?” Coran asks curiously. He only does so as a habit. If Allura says she senses the planet, then Coran is sure that she senses the planet. But she should be able to articulate exactly what she feels if they are to proceed with their goal.

 

“I am,” Allura nods surely, “the level of ambient quintessence is like no other I’ve felt before. The entire world is located within a self-contained dimensional anomaly that only the Lions should be able to cross.”

 

Coran nods. That sounds quite right.

 

“Then are you sure you are willing to leave the castle in the care of Kolivan?” he asks next. He knows that she still has trouble trusting the Blade, even though they were invaluable during the Black Paladin’s temporary absence.

 

“We don’t have much a choice,” Allura responds, “the castle cannot cross the anomaly, and I cannot allow the paladins to go there by themselves. Their understanding of quintessence and how to use it is slim to non-existent at best. They will need us there, if only as translators.”

 

Coran agrees.

 

“Then I shall set a course for Kislev.”

 

 

Shiro takes in a breath before he continues.

 

“Firstly,” he says quietly, “I want you to know how sorry I am.”

 

“Ok,” Lance acknowledges, just as quietly. “I appreciate you telling me, but it really doesn’t mean much if neither of us know what you’re sorry for.”

 

“That’s fair,” Shiro nods, stretching his legs out and placing his hand in his lap. It’s both an attempt to make his body language as well as an attempt to see what Lance will do. They’re both tall, and Shiro’s right foot is just short of brushing against Lance’s left foot from where his one leg is extended. Lance is wearing his lion slippers, Shiro his boots. The contrast provides something to focus on for a second.

 

If Lance knows why Shiro just did that, then he gives no indication. He doesn’t put more distance between them either, and the black paladin allows himself a little bit of relief at that.

 

“I mistreated you today,” he states plainly. He’s loathe to admit it, but Shiro isn’t the type to try and play off his mistakes. “I disrespected you as both a teammate and a friend. I treated your feelings carelessly.”

 

Lance regards him blankly, chin resting on his arms crossed over his right legs. Blue eyes peeking through long lashes and brown hair that curls slightly towards the ends. His hair is getting longer, time is passing. How long has he been away from his family now. Shiro doesn’t even know.

 

“Why?” Lance asks bluntly.

 

“Because…” Shiro hesitates slightly, because if he looks back on it now, then all signs pointed to him not being able to take Pidge too seriously with her state of mind. “Because I’d heard about what happened between you and Keith, as well as you and Pidge. And I jumped to conclusions.”

 

“I heard Pidge made it sound bad,” Lance nods, “but I still don’t understand how you came to think that I just went to them and…” he swallows, “why would I do that? Have I done anything recently to give you that impression?”

 

“No,” Shiro responds softly. Because Lance hasn’t, he’s been nothing but helpful lately, and even before this past week, where he kept to himself for the most part, he wasn’t being mean to anyone. He riled up Keith, but there was no malice behind it. He picked at Pidge, but doted on her at the same time. He teased Shiro and Hunk, but was always somewhere close if they needed. He did chores with Coran and indulged the Altean when he told countless stories, which is something they all needed to work on. He smiled and joked around with Allura, but always left her alone when he was rebuked.

 

Lance had done nothing to hint at him being malicious or angry enough to attack his fellow paladins. So why did Shiro’s mind automatically jump there?

 

“Then why did you come to me like that?” Lance wants to know as well. It's a question, but Shiro knows better. He knows that Lance knows why it happened. Lance had said it then after all.

 

“You were right,” Shiro admits softly. “When I heard that Keith’s feelings were hurt, and that you’d argued with Pidge as well, I just…”

 

“You bias is showing.”

 

Shiro’s ashamed of himself.

 

“Right,” Lance’s voice goes bitter, and the black paladin flinches. “Of course it had to be on me.”

 

The elder doesn’t want to go on, but he knows that he needs to explain himself fully. Lance deserves as much.

 

“The way Pidge described Keith,” the image of his friend, young and confused and teary pops up again. “It sounded like a way he used to get,” he explains, “but only when he got bullied.”

 

Lance remains silent, pressing his face into his arms.

 

“I just couldn’t get that image out of my head,” Shiro mutters, “and knowing that Pidge was involved in someway too just brought out the worst in me.”

 

No ,” Lance denies, looking up from his arms with teary eyes. Shiro wants to cry too. He’s going to, if this goes on any further. “It didn’t bring out the worst in you,” the blue paladin insists vehemently, “those feelings? That need to protect and cherish? That’s not the worst of you, Shiro. I’m an older brother. Trust me.”

 

Shiro has always known that Lance has a big family waiting for him at home, but he’s ashamed to say that this is the first time he’s hearing it confirmed that Lance has younger siblings. He’d figured, by the way Lance treats Pidge and Keith (who incidentally happens to be older than Lance) sometimes, but this is first time he’s heard it for sure.

 

“It didn’t bring out the worst in you,” Lance whispers, “it just made you think the worst of me .”

 

Shiro doesn’t even try to stop the tear from leaking from his eye.

 

“Lance,” he murmurs.

 

“That need to protect and cherish?” Lance goes on somberly, “I thought it extended to me too. I always felt safe, because I always felt you were fair.”

 

Lance ,” Shiro begs, hands clenching in his lap.

 

“I know you’ve always preferred Keith,” Lance huffs, “I know you’ve always trusted in him in a way you don’t trust anyone else. And I know you look at Pidge and see Katie, Matt and their father, so.”

 

“I…” Shiro can’t say anything to that. Lance isn’t wrong.

 

“But you’ve never treated me differently because of that,” the blue paladin states, “you’ve never trusted me as much as Keith, looked out for me as much as Pidge, but you’ve never treated me as less just because of them.”

 

Shiro is helpless to stop his eyes from leaking now. Is this really how Lance feels?

 

“You need to apologize to both Keith and Pidge. Neither of them deserve how you treated them today.”

 

Of course it is. What has Shiro done to not make him feel this way? Call him their Sharpshooter once ? In direct response to Lance inadvertently admitting his insecurities that Shiro had never noticed before then?

 

“But then today happened,” Lance says, voice choked. “And I don’t get it! I’ve tried so hard. Worked so hard to make things ok!”

 

Shiro can’t say anything past the lump in his throat. Lance is openly crying now, and he hates it so much. No one so vibrant and happy and good should be crying like this, because of him. He should have protected his friend more.

 

“When you were gone,” Lance murmurs, “things were awful! Allura went full-on drill sergeant trying to find a way to find you. Pidge stopped having an appetite and starting working around the clock and Keith literally fell to pieces !”

 

“I…” Shiro chokes out, but Lance isn’t done.

 

“Which sucked, because you chose him to lead Voltron in your stead!” Lance states harshly, “But the Black Lion wouldn’t let him in at all! He trained all the time, and hardly talked to any of us! I was the only one to see him in person for an entire three days one time Shiro! And that was because I had to hunt him down and make him eat and bathe! Hunk didn’t want to talk to him, because he’d gotten all snappy! Pidge was just as snappy, so they started arguing whenever they spoke! And Allura was killing herself trying to jump from place to place in hopes of finding some sign that you were ok!”

 

Shiro can’t breathe. It was that bad?

 

“Coran took care of Allura, Hunk made sure everyone was fed and rested and basically took care of all the maintenance Coran didn’t have time for anymore, and I dealt with Pidge and Keith,” Lance continues, “And Keith was a wreck! He was mean and nasty and self-destructive! I don’t think you realized just how dependant on you being here he is when you made that decision, Shiro.”

 

The black paladin swallows. He’ll have to talk to Keith about this sometime soon.

 

“But I still tried so hard!” Lance whispers, “I did everything in my power to help, even when he didn’t want to see my face and I never gave up on him! And then Black spat you back out after like a month!”

 

Shiro nods.

 

“And then everything was ok!” Lance says softly, “you were back! Keith was calm again. Pidge started functioning like a semi-normal human being again and Allura pulled back a bit,” he smiles slightly. “And when you came to thank me for stepping up that night,”

 

Shiro remembers that. He’ll always remember feeling so proud and happy that Lance was the blue paladin.

 

“It was one of the best nights ever, Shiro,” Lance’s smile widens a bit, “I wasn’t looking for thanks. I was just happy you were ok, but the fact that you came to me made me think ‘ Yes! Finally, he trusts me! He looks at me as an equal he can rely on! ’, and I finally felt like a part of the team. Like I was meant to be here.”

 

There’s a soft sob, and Shiro is floored to realize that it’s come from himself. He never knew Lance felt this way. How has he never known that Lance has felt this way?

 

“And then we were back to business as usual,” Lance’s voice is scratchy with emotion, “but you had discovered your new bond with Black, and then you started spending half the day with her. You aren’t around much nowadays outside of training and missions, but I still felt good because you were coming to me and asking me and Hunk about how everyone was doing. You trusted me and him to look out for the team. It meant everything to me!”

 

Lance’s smile grows bitter and hard. Shiro doesn’t even know what to do with himself anymore.

 

“And then in a matter of minutes,” his voice hardens too, “you shot all of that out of orbit. ‘Or was I wrong to think that I could rely on you?’ ” he sniffles, “Every good feeling I had about myself, and my place in the team, what I meant to you . Gone . Just like that.”

 

Shiro makes a pained noise. It starts in his chest, clawing it’s way up and out his throat. He reaches out. He can’t take this anymore.

 

Lance ,” he calls, “please come here.”

 

Lance buries his face back into his arms.

 

No . No, no,” Shiro shakes his head, “don’t do that. Please come here, Lance. Please .”

 

He’s not above begging, because he knows that this is a definitive moment. The blue paladin has to come to Shiro completely of his own volition if this is going to work. Shiro wants nothing more than to close the distance, but he needs for Lance to do it.

 

“I can make this right,” Shiro insists, far more confident than he actually feels. But he won’t give up. He’s the leader, and he’s wronged his teammate and friend. Somehow, someway, he’s going to make this up to the younger.

 

But he’d really, really like for Lance to be a part of that process.

 

“I can make this up to you,” Shiro pleads, “you’re right, about all of it. I hate myself for making you feel like that, and all I want to do now is to make it right. But I need for you to come here.”

 

“How do you even plan on fixing this?” Lance’s voice is quiet and muffled. He doesn’t look up. Shiro has to get through to him before he completely closes off.

 

“By doing what I should have done a long time ago,” the black paladin murmurs, “by actually getting to know you. Bringing you, and Hunk for that matter,” because he’s not lost on his need to do that as well, “into my life the same way that I brought Keith and Pidge in. And I hope that you’re still willing to have me in your life too.”

 

Lance remains silent.

 

“I’m so sorry Lance,” Shiro tries, “ please let me make it up to you.”

 

The blue paladin finally looks up. His face is miserable, but his eyes are hopeful.

 

“C’mere,” Shiro waves his open arms.

 

Lance stares for moment. And then he closes the distance.



 

“Is this going to piss Lance off?” Keith murmurs from where he’s pressed against Hunk’s side. “Because I’m not trying to having a repeat of today.”

 

“Is it going to piss Shiro off?” Pidge cuts in, “isn’t he like, a super private person?”

 

“Shhh,” Hunk places a hand on both of their heads, pulling them slightly closer as he leans a bit further around the corner. “It’s not like we can hear what they’re saying, we’re just making sure no  more yelling is involved.”

 

Hunk had heard Lance’s voice raise at one point. He hadn’t been able to discern the words, but the tone was enough to freak him out, so he’d done what any normal person would have done.

 

He eavesdropped.

 

And apparently Pidge and Keith were in some state of hypervigilance or something, because they’d meandered out of their rooms and pressed in close to Hunk to eavesdrop as well. Lance’s voice didn’t raise again, and neither did Shiro’s. But they did watch with somber eyes as the two seemed to hit a bit of a roadblock in which Shiro seemed to want a hug and Lance was ignoring him.

 

Not anymore though.

 

“Shiro doesn’t cuddle me like that when I’m upset,” Keith grumbles.

 

“Oh my god,” Pidge groans, “quit pouting. He so does.”

 

“Or at least he tries to,” Hunk points out, “but you never want to be touched, except for that one time.”

 

“I am not pouting,” the red paladin hisses.

 

“And the number one bonding moment for the day goes to…” Pidge grins, completely ignoring Keith. Hunk smiles as well, watching as Shiro seems to be whispering something into Lance’s ear, the blue paladin’s shoulders shaking underneath the elder’s firm hold on him. That’s going to take some work. No doubt about it. But they both seem willing to put the effort in.

 

Things might actually be ok.

 

 

“They’re totally watching us,” Lance mumbles, pressing his face more into Shiro’s neck.

 

“Let them,” the black paladin responds quietly, nosing into his hair.

 

“Pidge is going to make so many jokes,” he warns, but doesn’t release his grip from Shiro’s middle. Lance never knows how much he needs a hug until he gets one. Shiro-cuddles are nice. This is his first experience with one. Maybe he’ll demand more and have access to both Shiro-cuddles and Hunk-cuddles.

 

“Let her.”

 

“Keith is totally jealous right now.”

 

“Of you?” Shiro questions, “Or of me?”

 

“Both, probably,” Lance answers, remembering the moment from his room. “He likes bonding moments, just won’t admit it.”

 

“...How are you feeling?”

 

Lance takes a second. His hands aren’t shaking. He can breathe just fine. He’s comfortably warm, not overheating. He doesn’t feel the need to nibble.

 

“Better,” he answers honestly, feeling Shiro hum in response. “Not 100%, but definitely better.”

 

“I will make this up to you,” Shiro insists one more time.

 

Lance smiles.

 

“I believe you.”

 




“Shiro?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

What is that?”

 

“What?”

 

“That...red thing...do you see it?”

 

“Oh. Yeah. It’s...hopping?”

 

“...It’s hopping this way.”

 

“Can you make out any features?”

 

“It’s...one of those weird peppers?”

 

“...Hunk?”

 

“...Hunk.”

Notes:

Things between these two are not magically fixed lol. They've just come to an agreement onto how to go about fixing them. But like I said, Shiro and Lance will be primary characters in the plot-driven continuation of this, so expect for this interaction to be revisited.

It took a long of debating, but I decided on having the majority of the apology occur from Shiro's point of view. I wanted to explore just emotional I believe he'd get when presented with everything Lance is throwing at him here. Because I don't see him as a bad guy, but I do believe that he's a bit out of his depths sometimes, and it shows with the decisions he makes. I do love him though, regardless, and exploring the dynamic between him and Lance is something I wish I saw more in the fandom.

I debated for a long while on how to conclude this chapter, but eventually decided that something humorous was the way to go. Because come on, this is Voltron, they're all a bunch of nuts at the end of the day lol.

I am so overwhelmed with joy due to response to this fic and universe, all of your comments have given me life, and sometime tomorrow I will go through them all and reply to the ones I have not replied to yet. I'm glad people enjoy my writing, and that my interpretation of these wonderful characters was appreciated. Please anticipate more from me in the future!

Now. Because I like to be suspenseful or whatever, here's something I wrote as a forward to the continuation of this universe.

(“I don't see why you're so surprised,” Faraj says casually, “surely you didn't think that you all would be able to come together as one to form Voltron if you all weren't at least slightly compatible with all the lions?”

“I mean…” Lance murmurs. It does make sense in a way. Voltron is all five lions. All five of them. It makes sense that not having a basic connection to all of the lions would make uniting difficult.

“Paladins all have quintessence that mirrors their Lions, it's how the Lions choose their pilots,” Bin goes on, “however, part of the paladins quintessence has to be compatible in some way to all of the lions for you all to have formed Voltron as fast as you did.”

“Everyone of you paladins have a slight connection to the other Lions outside of your destined one, but you, my friend,” Faraj smiles, “you have a lot of quintessence, and the strongest balance of it.”)

A Hunk-focused oneshot surrounding the incident from the past should be up within the next few days, and you can expect more from the main universe in about a week, give or take! Thank you all so much!

Notes:

I'm just going to explore all my headcanons with this one lol.
I feel as though Lance is smart. Like, actually smart. I don't think he would have been selected to be the leader of two tech prodigies at the garrison if he couldn't at least keep up with them a little bit. It only makes sense that he picked up a few things, and if there's one thing that I actually do dislike about his characterization in the show, it's how ridiculously stupid they make him come off as sometimes (season two, I'm looking at you), especially considering he's shown to be quite capable and competent at other times.

Anyways, I don't plan on this fic being very long, it's mainly to get my ideas out and to actually introduce myself to writing Voltron fics, but I have a plot planned out for this, and I hope to get it wrapped up within a few weeks or so.

Series this work belongs to: