silentwalrus
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Recent works
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snipers solve 99% of all problems by silentwalrus
Fandoms: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
24 Dec 2020
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Summary
Ed had thought, after the whole Promised Day, homunculus, entire country harvested for alchemical batteries thing, the batshit quotient of his life would have settled down some. He really ought to have topped out the meter with that one. But no. The bullshit is just getting started.
“Are you fucking kidding me,” Ed demands. “The wizards?”
Podfic & Chinese translation available! See notes
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Summary
Winry comes visiting for a whole week, primarily, she says, because she doesn’t believe Ed has friends. “I do too have friends,” Ed argues. “I have lots of friends -”
“People you’ve fucked once in a train station bathroom don’t count, Ed -”
“One time! That was one time!”
“- and I’ll believe it when I see it,” she says, to which the only response is to hang up and resolve to take her to one of the neverending sports parties.
Series
- Part 5 of caveat emptor
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three's a crowd by silentwalrus, teacuptaako for tinfigs
Fandoms: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
11 Nov 2020
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Summary
“We suspect your credit card has been stolen and that you’re a victim of fraud,” an apologetic woman explains, “we just got a ‘Rodentia Taxidermy’ charge from ‘Rush Valley Post-animus Pet And Hunted Animal Prop Decoration Services (Vegan Options),’ totalling at—“
“That was me,” Winry says. She doesn’t want to hear the total aloud for a second time.
Series
- Part 3 of grapefruit cinematic universe
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Summary
Roy - thanks to a series of events going exponentially FUBAR - is in Dazhen. He wasn’t due back for another three months, but given that he wasn’t supposed to become a fucking vampire for another eighteen or so either, it’s safe to say that scheduling concerns are not his first priority.
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Summary
Pinako Rockbell is turning 69, which means the entire Resembool-Listenbool County area is putting up the bunting, rolling out the good cheeses, decanting the moonshine, stockpiling fireworks, giving the safe sex talk to the local virgins and bribing the district garrison in preparation for the relevant festivities.
Series
- Part 2 of grapefruit cinematic universe
Recent series
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caveat emptor by aetataureate, silentwalrus
Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
07 Dec 2020
Summary
Slice of life, only the lives are Ed Elric's and Roy Mustang's. Politics. Violence. Stupidity. A lot of animals. True love(?). And of course like 4 separate instances of fake dating
- Words:
- 52,315
- Works:
- 8
- Bookmarks:
- 172
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grapefruit cinematic universe by silentwalrus, teacuptaako, tinfigs
Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
11 Nov 2020
- Words:
- 18,530
- Works:
- 3
- Bookmarks:
- 12
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TERRIBLE ideas by gracelesso, jinlinli, silentwalrus
Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
10 Apr 2020
- Words:
- 28,271
- Works:
- 2
- Bookmarks:
- 47
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- Words:
- 47,889
- Works:
- 2
- Bookmarks:
- 167
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Bucky Barnes Gets His Groove Back & Other International Incidents by silentwalrus
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
15 Jul 2019
- Words:
- 288,129
- Works:
- 4
- Bookmarks:
- 1140
Recent bookmarks
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The Completely Inept Courtship of the One-Winged Angel's Cloud by Anonymous
Fandoms: Final Fantasy VII
02 Apr 2018
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Summary
Sephiroth finally manages to kill everyone during one of his many returns from the dead. He is a badass, nearly all powerful god of destruction and completely bored out of his oh so perfect, superior mind now that he’s gotten his way. He starts missing his fights with his only rival and the entertainment they provided but cannot pull the other away from a protective lifestream for long or return him to life. So he decides with nothing better to do and ridiculous amounts of power, he’ll just return them to a point in time when they both were alive and Sephiroth had easy access to manipulate his favorite puppet.
Cloud is not happy to find himself a trainee/infantryman again and the other Firsts and upper management cannot for the life of them figure out why the “Great Sephiroth” is stalking the blond and acting like a bratty, bullying seven year old with his first crush.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 35,978
- Chapters:
- 17/?
- Collections:
- 5
- Comments:
- 705
- Kudos:
- 5101
- Bookmarks:
- 1503
- Hits:
- 101140
Bookmarked by silentwalrus
09 Jan 2021
Bookmarker's Notes
Seriously though, fuck Heidegger with a live cactuar, that balls-less brainless shitnugget of proof that evolution can go in reverse, his birth certificate should be a letter of apology from whatever condom manufacturer whose product his unfortunate mother and her customer tried to use.
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Public Relations Is The Equivalent Exchange of Politics by seatbeltdrivein
Fandoms: Fullmetal Alchemist
02 Mar 2011
Tags
Summary
Being the Fuhrer's personal assistant was a lot harder than Ed thought it would be.
Bookmarked by silentwalrus
06 Jan 2021
Bookmarker's Notes
"It's your job," Roy continued, louder, "to make certain my needs are met and my schedule is manageable."
"Die," Ed responded, and turned back to his lunch and slightly soggy report. He managed to get through international trade with Creta is at an all time low before the paper went up in flames.
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Tags
Summary
George receives two late night visitors at Pirate's swoop.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 2,652
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 21
- Kudos:
- 69
- Bookmarks:
- 8
- Hits:
- 694
Bookmarked by silentwalrus
14 Dec 2020
Bookmarker's Notes
George Cooper was Tortall's King of Thieves, a.k.a the Rogue, before King Jonathan pardoned him and gave him the Barony of Pirate's Swoop--because beheading your best friend/ex-girlfriend's husband for grand theft everything would totally suck.
2. Magic in this universe is called the "Gift". Unless you have Wild Magic, then who knows what's going on. Well, besides Numair. Or your crazy dad, the God of the Hunt. Wow, Mom, thanks for leaving that bit out of "Why Daddy isn't around, part 734,923."
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Ten Mountains by pentapus for duchessofavalon
Fandoms: Protector of the Small - Tamora Pierce
24 Dec 2011
Tags
Summary
It both did and didn’t make sense that she ended up in the comfortable mess that was the common room of the King’s Own – not the one upstairs with the Carthaki rugs and the gold frames on the mirrors, but the one downstairs, where the upholstery had gone bare on the couch arms and one of the wall hangings was an axe that had slain a giant.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 1,963
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 15
- Kudos:
- 250
- Bookmarks:
- 38
- Hits:
- 2551
Bookmarked by silentwalrus
14 Dec 2020
Bookmarker's Notes
“Feeling dull, Buri?” he asked, grinning back.
“Dull in the head and fast in the feet,” she admitted.
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Tags
Summary
Towns notice him from the outside in.
Bookmarked by silentwalrus
06 Dec 2020
Bookmarker's Notes
It was twenty-five minutes downhill before Will had the service to make a call. They ended up asking him to come in to the station to talk about it. The station was a one-room podunk affair, the deputy’s desk line-of-sight from the drunk tank. There was a man in there, the kind of man who was probably in there a lot, and when Will walked in he said, “Oh, wow!” and “That’s beautiful, man, you’re beautiful. He’s beautiful,” and when the cop, who was already upset about the accident, looked at him halfway suspicious and all what-the-fuck, Will just shrugged instead of saying, I used to think so, too, and, Someday I might again.
After he’d signed just about every form the deputy could remember existed, Will sat in the parking lot for a long time, hands on the wheel but keys in the cupholder. He could almost see the man from the TV out of the corner of his eye, a shadow in the passenger’s seat, but he blinked out of existence whenever Will tried to look. Gradually, Will realized his grip on the wheel was painful and his hands were shaking. He had a very precise plan for the man in the drunk tank.
“That’s yours,” Will said into the air. “You did that. Not me.”
Nothing answered.
“You did all of it.”
The silence was pointed, prompting.
“I’m not going back in there.” Will insisted. “I’m leaving. I’m leaving him alone.” He started the van, and the radio flipped on with a sigh.
“If you wish to,” the voice said, tinged with polite regret. “But he’d give himself over of his own will. He sees you how I see you, Will.”
Will laughed, lightly hysterical. There was something in the van with him, and it would never leave. “Yeah? How’s that?”
The voice curled, somehow, the aural equivalent of the Cheshire Cat’s grin. “As an opportunity to become more than he is.”