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  1. Public Bookmark *

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    “Hello,” Crowley said in a soft brogue that was entirely unfamiliar to Aziraphale. “I’m here for the nanny position.”

    The man—presumably the butler—took Crowley’s outstretched hand and shook it. “Ah, yes, we’ve been expecting you.”

    Simpering convincingly, Crowley stepped over the threshold as the man looked at Aziraphale in confusion. “Oh yes,” Crowley said breezily. “This is my husband, Francis. He’s a gardener by trade. We were hoping you might have an opening. An estate such as this.”

    Aziraphale gaped from where he stood on the stoop, feeling his heart speed up. Husband? Francis? Gardener? He’d never agreed to any of this!

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    60,915
    Chapters:
    15/15
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    29 Aug 2019

  2. Public Bookmark *

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    "There was something else I was going to ask you," Aziraphale continued, unabashed. "Ah… How to put it?" He tapped his hand on his thigh for a moment, and then apparently found inspiration. "Ah! When you're…" Crowley made the mistake of making eye contact with him, and Aziraphale gave him another outrageous wink. "Dining out… What cutlery do you prefer to use?"

    "I'm sorry?" Crowley said pleasantly, trying his best not to cause anything in the dining room to catch aflame in his frustration.

    Aziraphale gave him a reproachful stare, as if Crowley were being very stupid. "When you're eating, Crowley. Do you favour the… The knife?" Aziraphale actually glanced conspicuously at his own crotch, and Crowley considered leaving the dining room via the nearest window. "Or the spoon?" Another raised eyebrow. "Or even, let's say, a fork?"

    "What the fuck is the fork in this situation?" Crowley hissed through gritted teeth.

    ---

    Aziraphale mentions that he'd like to have sex with Crowley. Crowley is completely taken-aback, and very conflicted, and very interested. Aziraphale is also trying to kill him by using elaborate food metaphors to explain the whole subject, which is not helping in the slightest.

    Language:
    English
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    13,913
    Chapters:
    3/3
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    20 Aug 2019

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    What kind of an angel gets himself locked up in the Bastille during a revolution? A very naughty one.

    Crowley can hardly believe Aziraphale would be so brazen and so stupid. And all for some naive attempt at flirtation. The demon will just have to take the angel in hand to teach him a very thorough lesson about tempting danger.

     

    But perhaps the angel isn't quite so naive after all.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    3,552
    Chapters:
    1/1
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    1
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    604
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    20 Aug 2019

  4. Public Bookmark *

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    Crowley wakes up alone and cold after falling asleep on Aziraphale on the couch. Aziraphale won't look at him the next day. Crowley can't sleep. Crowley's going mad. Crowley's going to resort to desperate measures.

    Desperate measures turns out to mean craigslist m4m.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    6,383
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    101
    Kudos:
    543
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    117
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    3590

    06 Aug 2019

  5. Public Bookmark *

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    CROWLEY: I try not to make a habit of gratitude, but I must give our appreciation to everyone out there who’s been listening and subscribing to The Ineffable Plan.
    AZIRAPHALE: Ooh, yes, we’ve become quite popular, haven’t we?
    CROWLEY: Yeah, just hit number eight on the advice charts … No advertising at all.
    AZIRAPHALE: Mm. How … miraculous.
    CROWLEY: … Aziraphale. You did not.

     

    ***

    Crowley and Aziraphale are very possibly the people least qualified, on the entire planet, to start up an advice podcast.

    But what else is there to do when the world isn’t ending anytime soon, you’re technically on indefinite sabbatical from your lifelong careers, and you need a plausible excuse to spend more time with your best friend who you’re definitely not, absolutely not, maybe just a little, actually maybe overwhelmingly in love with?

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    5,541
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    4
    Comments:
    514
    Kudos:
    3490
    Bookmarks:
    1139
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    02 Aug 2019