howtoquityou



Recent works

Recent series

  1. Words:
    679
    Works:
    2
  2. Summary

    Submissions for Round 4 of writerinadrawer. I took 5th place - not bad for having never actually watched the damn show my first time. (All are unbeta'ed, read at your own risk.)

    Words:
    4,986
    Works:
    9
    Bookmarks:
    1
  3. Summary

    Comment ficlets written to fill prompts for touchyerwood. Or, ohgod what have I done.

    (Any actual porn in this series - okay, let's be honest, any porn written by me ever - is probably really terrible, scientifically-inaccurate tripe written by a virgin with absolutely no experience in this department and with almost certainly no likelihood of gaining any of said experience for the foreseeable future. I have, however, been reliably informed that this is a thing. You've been warned.)

    Words:
    1,577
    Works:
    2
  4. Summary

    An alternate reality in which Sherlock is assumed dead after the poolside standoff in "The Great Game," along with Moriarty, and John tries to forget the loss of his best friend when he meets and marries Mary Morstan, only to lose her as well in a car accident. aka the Forever!verse (after the one word recurring in every title of this series), also aka the Jenny Watson AU (after the name of John & Mary's daughter).

    Words:
    38,309
    Works:
    2
    Bookmarks:
    17
  5. Words:
    11,359
    Works:
    2

Recent bookmarks

  1. Rec *

    Tags
    Summary

    Ad left 10h ago in section male - male
     

    HHeart:
    Looking for someone to accompany a middle-aged man to a social outing in the country NEXT weekend. I only wish to make my homophobic mother squirm non-stop for sixty hours and nothing more. Successful applicant will be rewarded handsomely. Cash bonus on offer if you are one or several of the following: young (must be eighteen or over - no practical joke is above the law), working class, someone with an extreme aversion to received pronunciation or in possession of a strong regional accent/dialect.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    92,600
    Chapters:
    9/9
    Comments:
    424
    Kudos:
    2107
    Bookmarks:
    429
    Hits:
    30088

    27 Oct 2022

    Bookmarker's Tags:
    Bookmarker's Notes

    slow burn, they weren't kidding. best non-Kingsman AU I've read, it's like watching a 3hr arthaus romance film in black and white. *chef's kiss*

  2. Rec *

    Tags
    Summary

    When Harry Hart loses his job as a tailor after thirty-four years, he decides to start taking evening classes in cookery or life drawing or something just to waste some newly empty hours.

    Then he accidentally meets history teacher Gary Unwin, and accidentally signs up for his class instead.

    Meanwhile, he's pretty sure he's falling in love via sexts with a man from a dating app whose name he doesn't even know.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    16,460
    Chapters:
    7/7
    Collections:
    3
    Comments:
    301
    Kudos:
    1013
    Bookmarks:
    220
    Hits:
    8055

    21 Oct 2022

    Bookmarker's Tags:
    Bookmarker's Notes

    I love any story where Harry & Eggsy are fated to meet and fall in love no matter the universe, but this story takes the absolute cake. THE ENDING SLAYED ME SO MUCH.

  3. Rec *

    Tags
    Summary

    Harry Hart dies in 2015. Twenty-something years later, young Victor Arden pops up wearing Harry's face and knowing things he shouldn't.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    79,900
    Chapters:
    11/11
    Comments:
    355
    Kudos:
    613
    Bookmarks:
    189
    Hits:
    7025

    07 Oct 2022

    Bookmarker's Tags:
    Bookmarker's Notes

    This is the way the 2nd Kingsman movie should have gone omg I'm in love

  4. Public Bookmark *

    Tags
    Summary

    “Peter, is it supposed to be doing that?” One of his students asked him. He looked up to see the industrial-strength magnets he’d collected for this lab trying to crack through the glass between them to be reunited. The glass splintered.

    “Yeah, no. That’s totally fine,” he lied. Then he inconspicuously chased everyone to the corner of the lab, donned a glove, and smashed the glass so that it wouldn’t splinter and stab someone in the eye in its explosion.

    His students cheered.

    He needed a drink.

    (Peter gets called back to the city at the age of 25 to help mitigate the rapidly increasing crime rate. He's in way over his head, so he sets out to re-establish Team Red.)

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    45,483
    Chapters:
    14/14
    Comments:
    552
    Kudos:
    5159
    Bookmarks:
    998
    Hits:
    68637

    14 Apr 2022

    Bookmarker's Notes

    OH GOD I ADORE THIS SO MUCH, I LAUGHED MYSELF YO TEARS UNTIL 3AM

  5. Rec *

    Tags
    Summary

    Deadpool does a better job understanding Spider-Man's strengths and limitations as an autistic super than pretty much anyone else does. This doesn't stop Peter from getting involved with a cult while investigting a series of suicide bombers. He's just that much of a disaster, autistic or not.

    I play fast and loose with canon but try to stay true to (what I perceive to be) the spirit of the characters. Note that neither Peter nor Wade are based on any movie versions.

    • Chapter-specific warnings will be given.
    • Story/chapter titles are all Eels songs.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    200,989
    Chapters:
    20/20
    Collections:
    7
    Comments:
    1645
    Kudos:
    5779
    Bookmarks:
    1693
    Hits:
    129069

    30 Mar 2022

    Bookmarker's Notes

    +2 for well-done autistic Peter
    +3 for the best box talk I've seen in a Wade fic yet
    +1 for Peter domming? I've never seen a Peter domming fic before and it works???
    +5 for 200K of Things That Work So Well And GDI I LOVE THEM BOTH SO MUCH
    bonus +1 for finally getting me to properly visualize Andrew Garfield in a Spideypool fic