In the wake of Nelson & Murdock's closure, Matt gets offered a spot as a judge on the Great American Bake-off.
Bookmarked by covertpartyhat
13 Jun 2019
Whatever romantic ideas Matt still had about the job quickly came tumbling down over the next few hours as he was forced to contend with a series of sponge cakes that varied from chewy deflated messes, to overcooked, dry-as-a-bone monstrosities.
At cake number six, Matt took a bite of a sponge that had been filled with lemon curd. He licked his lips and breathed in through his nose. “Was there a reason you used lemon juice from a bottle, rather than squeezing your own?”
He could hear the pair’s heartbeats skyrocket. “Uh, lumps. We didn’t want to risk lumps.”
“You didn’t think to ask for a strainer to catch the pips and fiber?”
“Uh, no. I guess – uh…”
Matt pursed his lips, unimpressed. He ran his tongue over his teeth. “Nice consistency to the cream. I’m glad you didn’t feel it necessary to add sugar to the cream,” he said, referring to the last couple of cakes which were oversweetened. “The pure cream offsets the sweetness of the curd. Although the curd should have been more tart – something that only comes from using fresh juice. It takes less than a minute to put juice through a strainer.”
The pair nodded, one of them looking at the floor dismally.
“However, the cake is one of the best so far,” Matt continued. “Light, slightly chewy on the edge, but not overcooked. It’s excellent. Well done.” Matt smiled and the pair mumbled a thanks.
“Who were you going to fight?” Foggy asks. “Who is the blind ninja army going to war with?”
“Um.” This question has Matt stuck for a moment. “I dunno. The deaf?”
Matt and Foggy decide to tell Karen about Daredevil, but in the worst way possible.
Bookmarked by covertpartyhat
11 Jun 2019
“Okay okay okay.” Foggy is serious at the same time as looking like his stomach might explode from laughter. “Karen. Karen, we have something to tell you. Matt has something to tell you.”
“Wrong.” Matt is on his back, his eyes staring up at the ceiling, if they can ever really be considered staring at anything. “Foggy does.”
“Matt is a ninja. Matt is a full-on ninja.”
“I never finished my training.” Matt is far more focused on things he can touch and taste than this conversation. “That’s why I think I keep losing. Fisk head-butted me like ... twice? I don’t think full ninjas get head-butted.”
“What the fuck are you doing, being a lawyer? You have to finish your training! You have to go to Tibet!”
“Ninjas don’t come from Tibet, Foggy. Don’t be racist.”
“That’s where Batman went! That’s where he met evil Qui-Gon Jinn.”
“Oh man.” Matt closes his eyes. “I want to be Batman so bad.”
“I want you to be Batman so bad. And I could be the rich lawyer who works for Wayne Enterprises! I could just be on retainer. Karen could be the overpaid secretary who covers for you when you never show up!” Foggy looks at Karen again. “We could pay you so much money.”
“I really just want someone to do my laundry,” Matt says. “Not you guys. I would have an Alfred. He would do my laundry. And wipe blood off stuff. I could have a whole room just to bleed in.”
“And you could park the Batmobile in the handicapped space. It would take up two of them but whatever, you’re Batman. No one would fuck with you.” He giggles. “The Mattmobile.”
“The plates would be kind of a giveaway. And I think my ID says NON-DRIVER on it.”
“Do they check Batman’s driver’s license? Do you ever see them do that?”
“Batman doesn’t get in fights with police. I would have to cut way back on that.”
“Holy shit. Holy shit.” Foggy gets up and paces across the small space. “Did you beat up Brett?”
“I ... knocked him around. Like barely anything.”
“No Matt! Bad Matt!” Foggy bends over and shakes his fist in Matt’s face. “That is not cool!”
“Yeah, and me getting caught would have been way more uncool. Do you want me to send him a card? With my DNA all over it? I watch CSI.”
“It’s a talky show. They explain most stuff.”
Foggy pauses, then kneels down and puts his head on Matt’s chest like it’s a pillow. “Your shirt is soft, but I am still mad at you.”
“It is really soft. That’s why I’m wearing it.” He raises one hand. “Karen. Candy.”
“Throw stuff at him!”
“Foggy, not helping.”
She doesn’t move an inch off the couch. “What the hell are you guys talking about?”
There’s a long pause, and then Matt says, “I’m Batman.”
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Daredevil (TV), Deadpool (2016), Deadpool - All Media Types, Hawkeye (Comics), Iron Man (Movies), Jessica Jones (TV), Marvel, Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types, POKÉMON Detective Pikachu (2019), She-Hulk, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
10 Sep 2019
My collection of Team Red stories because they are all hot messes. Except Peter. Two-Thirds of them are hot messes.
Bookmarked by covertpartyhat
10 Jun 2019
It wasn’t quite Legally Blonde; Elle didn’t have to choke a guy out to keep him from calling all his science buddies to come hide the evidence of their non-FDA approved animal testing scheme. But you know what, Red deserved a little credit; he’d really gotten creative with this one, so Wade was going to let him continue on in the role.
“Double D, are you still in love with your best friend?” Spidey asked, having been rewarded with ice cream for his own role as Snow White to all domesticated pets and getting them out of the rapidly burning warehouse with stunning calmness and efficiency.
Red choked on his hippie vegan sorbet and then proceeded to reenact the scene with the chokehold on Wade.
“I’m not in love with my best friend,” Red defended, “I am royally, and probably perpetually, cursed to die sad and alone.”
Spidey read this for what it actually was and went straight for the jugular.
“So are you just never gonna tell him or what?”
Red put down his vegan hippie shit to slide down in despair and stretch out miserably all over the roof.
“I did tell him,” he whined. “And he told me he wasn’t emotionally available to someone with a death wish.”
Damn, Red’s best friend, good for you for being a real adult. He was setting a great example for Spidey.
“And you said?” Spidey pressed. Red covered his face with his hands.
“I didn’t say anything because—”
“You were sobbing?” Wade interrupted.
“I was sobbing,” Red conceded, “And he’s totally right and deserves someone so much better than me. Fuck.”
Wade was gonna go ahead and diagnose this one with self-loathing.
“Did you tell him you don’t have a death wish?” Spidey asked with his plastic spoon in his mouth. Kid was vicious, fuck. Wade made a mental note to add interrogation skills to his file at home.
“I can’t lie to F—I can’t lie to him. He knows me too well. We were roommates for all of grad school.”
Wade screamed internally because this was just getting better and better. Spidey was staring with wide eyes.
“And you were roomates?” he whispered.
“Did you guys fool around?” Wade asked, because someone needed to be asking the important questions around here and Red was miserable enough to be forthcoming with information for once. Red gave up on the melted sorbet.
“We did, I think? I don’t remember, I was so fucking drunk. I mean, to this day, I don’t know how I survived that night. I was well into alcohol poisoning territory.”
Spidey was learning so much. Wade hoped this would serve as a lesson to him for his future college experience.
Amy had this thing where she did stuff that normally would’ve annoyed the hell out of Rosa, except it didn’t annoy Rosa at all. Which was confusing. Also, annoying.
Bookmarked by covertpartyhat
31 May 2019
The bodega closest to Rosa’s apartment was her favorite bodega in the city, for three reasons:
1. It didn’t try to be anything but a bodega.
2. The guy who worked the register was just afraid enough of Rosa that he’d never tried to hit on her, but not afraid enough to stop being a smartass.
3. They made their coffee with sweetened condensed milk. It tasted disgusting, but at this point, Rosa liked complaining about it more than she liked drinking good coffee.
“Hey, it’s Xena!” Sonny called when they walked in. The nickname thing was new. It was a mark against him. On the other hand: people not knowing her real name was a plus, so. A draw.
Rosa narrowed her eyes. “Wanna guess how many different ways I could break your arm?” she said.
Sonny shrugged. “Not sure why you’d need more than one. What’re you buying? Anything interesting?”
Amy glanced back and forth between them. “Two coffees? Decaf?”
“Sure,” said Sonny. “On the house.”
“Uh, really?” said Amy.
“When I say, ‘free coffee for life—’” Sonny said.
Rosa remembered him saying it, but she hadn’t thought he was serious. Amy raised her eyebrows, like, ‘Is there a story here?’
“You haven’t heard about this?” Sonny asked Amy. She shook her head. “So, my cousin’s kid hangs out here after school sometimes. Some older boys’ve been bullying her, all that shit. The other day, Xena here stops by for some gum, and while she’s in line, she starts teaching the kid self-defense moves. By the time Xena makes it up to the counter, little Claudia has learned how to break an attacker’s nose, five different ways to take a dude down, and all the major pressure points on the human body. Claudia’s in kindergarten, by the way. She came in crying, and now when she grows up, she wants to be a ninja.”
“Awwww,” said Amy, pulling a more misty-eyed version of the cartoon deer face. “That’s so sweet.”
Rosa wasn’t sure what to say to that. She hadn’t been trying to do anything. She just didn’t know how else to talk to kids.
07 Apr 2019
Bookmarked by covertpartyhat
30 May 2019
Michelle does now. She understands. Women really do run the workforce. But at least Rosa is here and maybe if they can get inside fast enough they can avoid running into Tony -
A familiar Mustang with a fresh coat of blue paint comes pulls into the school lot.
“Be. Cool.” She warns, already tugging Jake towards the front door.
“Be cool? I’m always cool. Who - wait that’s my plate. Is that my car? Peter, you said it wasn’t done yet, what’s going OH MY GOD IT’S IRON MAN.”
Yeah, that’s not being cool.
Stark is dressed flashier this time around: slacks, suit vest, tie, white button up rolled up to the elbows and a pair of rose gold sunglasses. His shoes alone are probably worth more than a month’s rent at her parents’ place.
“Hey squirt,” Tony greets, walking over to give Peter a hug before he tosses Michelle the keys to the Mustang. He seems to be oblivious so her uncle’s mini stroke. “Just finished her this morning. Like brand new.”
Jake blinks. “Whoa whoa whoa.” He points a finger at Peter. “What’s happening. Why is Tony Stark driving my car?”
Ned tries filling the pieces to Peter’s ridiculous backstory, and fast. “Peter is Stark’s intern. They met through his application for the September Grant.”
“Yep!” Peter nods. “Mr. Stark let me borrow his garage and use his supplies to fix your car!”
“You never told me you know Tony Stark!” Jake squeaks, tossing Peter a half-hearted dirty look. “That’s like, the coolest fun fact about a person. That should have been the first thing you mentioned. And you!” he looks at Michelle. “You’ve met Spider-Man and Iron Man?”
Tony elbows Peter when Jake and Rosa aren’t looking. Michelle just shrugs.
“You should write a novel,” he goes on to say before he looks at Stark with what can only be described as childlike wonder. “Hi, Mr. Iron Man, I’m Jake Peralta. I’m Michelle’s uncle. And, not to brag,” he starts before he totally starts to brag, “But I’m kinda Spider-man’s sidekick.”
Both Rosa and Ned have impressive, matching eye rolls.
“Oh really?” And Stark’s eyes briefly flicker Peter’s way. Peter is looking down, finding his shoes just downright fascinating. “Didn’t know he was shopping for help. Good to know.”
“Yeah, it’s - it’s still pretty new. But we’re buds, for sure. Thanks for the car."
"You like it?" Peter asks, clearly desperate for a subject change. "We spent forever on the paint color. I wanted to paint it like the Mystery Machine, but Michelle said no."
"What!? That would have been so cool!"
Peter's smile is too smug for her liking.