RealClever

Beware of the Dog. But beware of the cat too (he’s kinda weird)



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  1. Rec 3

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    Summary

    How could such diminutive enemies manage to bring her down, even if temporarily, when armies of demons couldn't? Oh, they would pay. They would pay dearly. No one invaded Erza Scarlet without her permission. No one!

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    05 Mar 2021

    Bookmarker's Notes

    Jellal sighed. He loved the woman to death but she was the most stubborn person on the face of the world. She'd had a fever since early in the morning, thrown up twice and could barely move a muscle, nonetheless she was yet to stop denying that she was anything close to 'sick'. Even as Porlyusica herself stood in the room and said it herself. "Erza, I think the situation speaks for itself. You might as well just acknowledge it. You're sick."

    She glared at him. "Erza Scarlet does not…"

    "… get sick," he finished for her. "Yes, I have heard loud and clear the first dozen times. And, yet, somehow Erza Scarlet is sick."

    "No, she's…"

    Porlyusica, fed up of hearing the girl wasting her time, gave a hard tug on the bed covers and pulled them from over Erza. The patient let out a girlish scream that didn't fit her at all and started shivering harder. "I guess since you're not sick, you won't need this," the healer said.

    "Give that back! It's freezing!" she shouted, wrapping her arms around herself. She was wearing her usual pink Heart Kreuz pajamas and those weren't nearly enough to shield her from the cold she felt (which, she was unwilling to admit, wasn't related to the room's temperature at all).

    "Oh, is it? So, I guess your boyfriend's just standing over there in short sleeves because he likes freezing his backside," the healer replied.

    Erza glared. "I have no romantic connection to him anymore. He's a traitor!"

    Jellal let out another breath, pinching the bridge of his nose as he recalled how she'd dramatically told him that 'it was over' if he dared to step out of the house to fetch Fairy Tail's Medicinal Advisor. He'd ignored her.

    Porlyusica let out a growl worthy of her Earthland counterpart. "How do you put up with this one, boy?" she asked Jellal. "No wonder you joined the dark side when this was your alternative. Do yourself a favor and run for your life before there are marriage vows involved."

    Erza glared. "I am still in the room!"

    "And you are still sick!"

    "I've never been sick a day in my life," she scoffed before being hit with a coughing fit. Jellal, always the good boyfriend (ex-boyfriend?), handed a glass of water resting on the bedside table over to her.

    "Really? Then how come I'm already so fed up with you?" Porlyusica replied. "Let me tell you how: selective memory!"

    "I…" Erza coughed some more and took another sip of her water. "I have no such thing! And I'm not sick either. I don't get sick!"

    "Like I said, selective memory!"

    "No!"

    "Yes!"

    "No!"

    Jellal sighed. "Erza, hoping the flu will go away by pretending you don't have it makes about as much sense as trying to win a battle by ignoring it. You don't have to be ashamed of being sick," he told her. "Just let Porlyusica do her job and I'm sure you'll get better in no time."

    Her lips trembled with fury as well as the cold. Somehow, Jellal translating the situation into her preferred warfare-based language did make it sound like the evidence of a breach to her system was piling up on her. How was that possible? Germs… how could such diminutive enemies manage to bring her down, even if temporarily, when armies of demons couldn't? Oh, they would pay. They would pay dearly. They had committed a strategic miscalculation of massive proportions by thinking they could get away with invading her and win. Obviously the losses would be massive on their side. No one invaded Erza Scarlet without her permission. No one.

  2. Rec 2

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    Jellal had been more than willing to go along with Erza's kinkiness at first. He just had no idea how stressful that side if hers could be.

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    1/1
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    05 Mar 2021

    Bookmarker's Notes

    "What the hell kind of stuff are you doing to Erza that is giving her bruises?" Natsu demanded, pouching the table in a threatening manner. Thankfully, it wasn't in a Fire Dragon's Iron Fist sort of way. "Gray and Lucy told me those are the 'good kind of bruises' and that they're not from fighting and Erza just looks like she'll burst into flames every time I ask about it… What's the deal?! And why do they call it a 'love-bite'?" Natsu asked.

    He wanted to die. At that moment, he could have cast Abyss Break on himself, weren't it for the illegality and possible collateral damage of it.

    "Natsu, we don't have time for your stupidity right now," Gray said, rolling his eyes.

    "But I want to know!"

    "Then ask Cana about it later," Gray told him. "She'll be more than happy to give you a detailed explanation. Don't get too close, though, 'cause she may actually be tempted give you one."

    Natsu didn't look too happy by the arrangement. But still, he agreed. "Fine. Anyway, apparently this means you and Erza are a thing now. So, we don't need to remind of the consequences of making her shed a tear, right?" he asked, making a point of punching the palm of his own hand, that time with flames added for better effect.

    "Nope," Jellal mumbled, mildly terrified.

    Lucy cleared her throat. "Threatening you is not what we're here to do, in any case. The thing is, we know that Erza cares a great deal about you and you care a great deal about her and you make each other happy, so we'd rather have this went smoothly. For that purpose, we decided that we should share a few pieces of advice with you."

    "Advice?" he asked.

    She nodded. "Just a few bits of wisdom we've gained from dealing with her in a daily basis. You may have already reached some of these conclusions by yourself but it doesn't hurt to stress them."

    "First," Gray started. "I guess you already know better than to get between her and strawberry cake. In any case, let us remind you: don't do it. Ever."

    "That is absolutely vital," Lucy agreed.

    "And painful," Natsu mumbled.

    "Always ask permission to eat it, even if you order it for yourself," Gray warned him.

    "And never suggest splitting it. She'll take offence and go on and on about cake dignity. Don't get me wrong, she's fine with sharing a lot of stuff, just not cake," Lucy pointed out. "This applies to all variations of strawberry cake, including but not limited to cheesecake, shortcake, sponge cake, muffins, et al. Don't worry about pie, though. She doesn't like it."

    "On to the second point," Gray added. "Don't let her drink alcohol. She gets weird. Violently weird."

    Jellal couldn't help thinking that he really didn't need warnings about her drunkenness after having witnessed it himself. Honestly, he didn't find it that bad. It was just equal parts terrifying and delightful.

    "All the girls but Cana seem to get weird when they drink," Natsu mumbled, narrowing his eyes at Lucy, who just blushed.

    "Tell me about it," Gray commented. Juvia had nearly drowned me in a flood of tears last time around.

    Lucy cleared her throat. "Anyway, third point: modesty – she's got none," she provided. "There's skimpy outfits, skimpy armor, bunny suits, cat suits, walking around in a wet towel, accidental nakedness… you may want to pay attention when she's tanning because she hates bikini lines on her back and tends to forget she's sunbathing with her top unlaced. Don't take it personally – she's not trying to flash anybody, she's just weird that way."

    "Also, it may come up that at one point or another she has bathed with Natsu and I," Gray informed him, much to his horror. They'd bathed with Erza? His Erza? They had laid their eyes on the most intimate stretches of her perfect skin and seen the flawless curve of her… "Trust me, we didn't ask for it and we sure as hell didn't enjoy seeing her naked."

    "Well, we don't enjoy seeing you naked either, so stop unbuttoning your pants! And get your shirt back on!" Lucy demanded, seeing as the ice-mage started undressing himself.

    "Ha! Crap, where did it go?!"

    "Pervert," Natsu snickered

    Meanwhile, Jellal was staring. They were winding him up, right? They had to be.

    "We really need to address her sanity as the forth point," Lucy continued. "She's a nutjob. A highly-functioning, likeable nutjob but still a nutjob. I mean, there's the whole penchant for punishment but that's not even the worst."

  3. Rec 3

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    As he looked at her, he could only picture a gravestone saying 'Erza Scarlet, killed at age thirty by hyper diabetes/sky-high cholesterol/massive heart attack'. How was she not morbidly obese?!

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    Chapters:
    2/2
    Comments:
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    134
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    05 Mar 2021

    Bookmarker's Tags:
    Bookmarker's Notes

    He felt something within him die at that statement. Oh, Erza… He loved the woman to death… but not even he could deny the truth that was revealing itself: that, nutritionally speaking, she had as much sense as a four-year-old. Or rather, she was so set on believing what she conveniently wanted to believe that she was even willing to ignore blatant facts that pointed on a completely different direction.

    "Erza… ice-cream sandwiches don't even include bread."

    "Of course they do. They are sandwiches – all sandwiches are made with bread! It's just special delicious bread."

    "Also known as a cookie!"

    She gave him a look. "Cookies are crispy. These are too soft to be cookies."

    "Because they're soft cookies," he pointed out.

    She gave him a skeptical look. The kind that said 'alright, if you say so… but I think you're stupid'.

    He sighed. "Just to make sure, you don't… have this type of breakfast every single day, right?" Please say no. Please say no. Please say no.

    "Of course not," she said, much to his relief. "I'm afraid my requip space doesn't allow for refrigeration."

    He was confused. "Heh?" What did she mean by that?

    "They would melt in there, Jellal," she explained, again looking at him like he was painfully dumb. "I couldn't possibly take ice-cream sandwiches along when I'm out on a job."

    He hesitated for a moment. "So, what you're telling me is that you don't eat ice-cream sandwiches for breakfast when you're in a job. But other than that…"

    "An ice-cream sandwich a day will keep the doctor away," she quoted the nonexistent proverb.

    Such a statement was so tragic that Jellal actively wanted to weep. Weep because, as he looked at her, he could only picture a gravestone saying 'Erza Scarlet, killed at age thirty by hyper diabetes/sky-high cholesterol/massive heart attack'. How was she not morbidly obese?!

    But no… there was still hope. She did, after all, spend a lot of time in jobs, so maybe things would be different then. "And when you're away in jobs…"

    She shrugged. "I mostly have cake for breakfast," she shamelessly provided. "But I always get the kind with extra cream."

    Jellal's eye twitched. "For the dairy, I imagine."

    "Indeed. It is a very important source of calcium."

  4. Rec 7

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    When Gray returns to an old habit after Tartarus, Team Natsu takes it upon itself to make him stop. A.K.A Jellal wants to ask Erza a question but keeps getting interrupted. Sort-of-sequel to The Rollercoaster. Two-shot.

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    English
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    Chapters:
    2/2
    Comments:
    4
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    137
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    7
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    05 Mar 2021

    Bookmarker's Notes

    The minute actually became a minute and fifteen seconds and she was about to impatiently protest when Kinana finally appeared and planted a plate in front of her containing… no, it couldn't be… "Is this…?"

    It was her cake. The cake she had mutilated before, although it wasn't mutilated at all. For a moment, she wondered if it was a different slice but she recognized the missing bits that she had already eaten before smashing it. It really was her cake! Miracles did happen!

    She looked at Jellal in disbelief, watching him smile knowingly. "How did you…?"

    "It's a long story," he said. "Actually, it wasn't really me. Meredy did most of the work."

    Erza kept looking at him in confusion and he sighed, deciding to give her a short explanation.

    "When the two of us were in Crime Sorcière with Ultear, we sometimes tried to teach each other our magic, so we could all be versatile in our skills. One time, Ultear tried to teach us the Arc of Time," he informed her. "It was hopeless: it's a ridiculously difficult type of magic to master and I am told I am good at learning magical skills. Suffice to say, I am completely useless with it and Meredy just barely manages to use Restore. It only comes in handy when she breaks a pen, rips a dress or somehow damages something small and powerless. Like a plate of cake," he added, pointing at the one in front of her. "I asked her to take care of it while you were gone. The cake should taste the same as if it had never been crushed and with the plate restored, you won't risk finding yourself munching on bits of broken dinnerware."

    She seemed positively amazed. "You rescued my cake for me," she said in disbelief.

    "With help," he stated before blushing and looking away. "It was no problem."

    Still, she looked very, very touched. "That was… that was very thoughtful." It wasn't just thoughtful it was… maddeningly loveable. She had to bring her hands down and actively keep herself from tackling him off that chair and use the floor the way she had used his bed the previous mouth during that burst of alcohol-fueled boldness. But that time, there was no alcohol to blame and the entire guild was present.

    Control yourself, she told herself firmly in her mind. You will not embarrass yourself and Jellal by jumping him right in the middle of the guild even if right now he looks the most attractive you have ever seen him. It… it's just cake.

    Blasphemy! Another voice blared in her head.

  5. Rec 10

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    When Cana decides to celebrate her birthday by getting Erza drunk, Jellal ends up walking into a rather... embarrassing situation.

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    1/1
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    05 Mar 2021

    Bookmarker's Notes

    "Boobs, boobs, boobs," she spoke as she rolled all over his bed like a little kid tripping on sugar. "They just showed up one day, you know? I had just treated myself to some excellent new armor a month or so before and one day, they popped out and got on the way, so I had to alter all of it." She groaned in displeasure. "Do you like them? I don't."

    "What?" he asked in disbelief. "Why wouldn't you like them? They're…" He stopped himself before saying the word 'perfect'. What if she remembered their conversation in the morning – he couldn't have her with the memory of him singing praises to her breasts…

    "Useless. That's what they are," she replied. "It doesn't make sense that women would have them before bearing children. I guess they're pretty and men like them but they just keep getting on the way." And, as if to make a point, she squeezed her breasts together in disdain. He widened his eyes, staring. "Stupid boobs. And the bras… Have you ever tried wearing one?"

    He nearly passed out right there because, in fact, he had. Or had been made to by Ultear and Meredy during an undercover operation in which he'd had to pose as a girl. And Ultear, because she was so generous had granted him a lovely pair of double-Ds with her transformation magic, which had been murder to his back all through that hellish afternoon he'd give anything to forget.

    "They're so constricting and they weigh down on your shoulders," Erza rambled on. "Sometimes I wish I had Levy's boobs. Hers don't get in the way and I bet she doesn't have to wear a bra at all." She went silent for a moment. "Would you still want me if I had Levy's boobs?"

    His eyes widened. 'Want her'?! "Wha… what makes you think that I w-want …?" Oh, who was he kidding?

    "You told me so, idiot!" she barked. "At the tower, remember? You were evil-ing it up but you still said you wanted me… wait, no. You said you loved me. And then you died but you didn't and you became good and they arrested you and you escaped and then you made up that Fiancée. Boooo! I love you too, Jellal, but sometimes you really suck!"

    He was dead, right? Yes, he'd died and gone to hell and now Satan was torturing him with scenarios equal parts wonderful and mortifying to annihilate his soul. Oh, what a cruel universe…

    But then he got hit on the face with the pillow thrown by a frowning Erza. "Stop standing there looking dumb. Get over here already! You're not going to make a lady get up when the floor and the walls are all spiny, are you?"