Comment on The Green Wave

  1. This is an interesting read. I've got an idea where you're going with it, but I'll hold my peace on that. It has my attention enough to check out the next chapter and certainly come back for more when you post it, for sure.

    I noticed you're sort of asking for feedback here. Please take this as the constructive critique it's meant to be.

    There's a nuance that has been nagging me throughout the entire story so far. You've got Garrus down great, even seems like you were able to crawl into his head fairly well, but there's a minor problem with facial expressions. A turian with flared mandibles is a smiling turian. They tend to draw their mandibles in tight to their faces when angry or upset. Stress will make their mandibles flutter. Sometimes a flick of the mandibles represents shock or surprise. The mandible will flare slightly when the mouth drops open in extreme surprise or shock as well. [All observations from varies turians, including Garrus, from the game trilogy].

    The other thing my brain has grabbed onto is....what is cynosure in your story? It doesn't exactly seem to fit in the context it's being used in.

    Last Edited Sat 06 Jul 2019 11:05PM EDT

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    1. Thanks so much for your comment!

      I've been thinking about the flaring thing and trying to retrace my own thought process to figure out exactly where I picked it up. I guess it seemed to fit for me and it's so hard to find consistent (and thorough) examples in the games. I found a couple times where they seem to flare out of intense frustration, but they're so subtle.
      I did try some Googling and found a fan work I remember seeing that I think is where I got it from because it seemed to make sense. "Turian Behavior and Mannerisms" by Oblivious-Man on DeviantArt goes into a lot of detail and I think I adopted that as my headcanon. I know mandibles can flare for happy though, and that description mentions them also going up or down, so I think I was see it as their mandibles flare out and up for a grin, or can go out and down for things like shock, anger, offense, aggression, etc. Anyway, that's just how I adopted it.

      As for Cynosure, I honestly was just looking up words trying to find the right one to label this thing. The definition I get is "a person or thing that is the center of attention or admiration." It's meant to refer to the function of the Crucible Shepard activated, the energy that altered everything. Synthesis is the state of being that is a result of that action/energy wave. Does that help?

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      1. Right, right, the mandibles do go up and down with facial expressions as well. Think of it this way, turians are noted as lacking the muscles we have for smiling. Those muscles support the functionality of the mandibles instead. You've got the right idea, it was the use of the same term form most of the expressions that I found a bit offsetting. I'll look that guy up on deviant, the behavior thingy sounds interesting.

        Cynosure, to me, just doesn't feel like the right word here. Shepard's activation of the Crucible feels more like a fulcrum, a threshold of sorts or maybe a crux. Just thoughts. =)

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