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The Cat In The Hat Comes Back

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The Cat Ine The Hat Comes Back

This was no time for play.

This was no time for fun.

This was no time for games.

There was paperwork to be done.

All those deep piles

Of paperwork,

They all had to go.

When our General went

off of the base for the day,

He said, "Somebody has to file all this away.

Somebody, SOMEBODY

Has to you see."

Then he picked out two somebodies.

Sam and me.


There we were.

We were working like that.

And then who should come up


"Oh-oh!" Sam said.

"Don’t you talk to that cat.

That cat is a bad one,

That Cat in the Hat.

"She likes to whump Daniel.

Don’t you let her come near.

You know what she did the last time she was here."

"Whump Dan?" laughed the cat.

"Oh, my my! No, not me!"

I just want to come in,

Look around SGC!

Keep your mind on your work.

You just stay here you two.

I will wander around

And find something to do."

Then the cat went right in!

She was up to no good!

So I ran in after

As fast as I could!

Do you know where I found her?

Do you know where she was?

She was in the control room writing fics!

Yes she was!

Danny’s ribs were all broken

And his skull was cracked too.

And I said to the cat.

"What a mean thing to do!"

"But I like to whump Danny

In the fics that I write!

You should read them sometime,"

Laughed the cat as she typed.

And then I got mad.

This was no time for fun.

I said, "Cat! You get out!

There is work to be done.

I have no time for fics.

I must file a report.

I can’t have you in here

Whumping Daniel for sport!

You get out of this base!

Enough Danny whumping!

We don’t want you about!

Giving Danny a thumping!"

The program shut down,

But I’d still seen the plot.

It was all about Daniel.

Not pretty! No, NOT!

A big long adventure!

All bloody and gory!

And I said, "He’ll be DEAD

By the end of THIS story!"

"Have no fear of that plot,"

Laughed the Cat in the Hat.

"Why, I can take plots off of Dan.

Just like that!"

Do you know how she did it?

She attacked the JAFFA!

Now Daniel was fine,

But Teal’c wasn’t.

No, Duh!

Then Sam looked in.

And Sam saw Teal’c too!

And Sam and I

Did not know what to do.

We should work on those files.

But poor Teal’c! What HE got!

"He may never recover!"

Sam said. "He may not!"

But the cat laughed, "Ho! Ho!

I can make the plot go.

The way I take plots off of Teal’c

Is just so!"

"See here!" laughed the cat.

It is not hard to do.

The thing that takes plots off Jaffas is a YU!"

Then I said, "ME!?"

Then she said, "No, YU!"

Now Teal’c was okay,

But the Goa’uld’s anger grew.

"Oh! YU plots!" she laughed.

"Let me tell you some news.

To take plots off of Goa’ulds

All I need is two shoes."

And whose shoes did he use?

I looked and saw whose!

And I said to the cat,

"This is very bad news.

Now the plot is all over

The General’s dress shoes!"

"But your General won’t

Know about that,"

Said the cat.

"He will never find out,"

Said the Cat in the Hat.

His dress shoes will have

No plots at all.

I will rub then right off

In this blasthole in the wall."

"But now we have plot holes!"

I yelled. "What a day!

Plot holes! What next?

Can you take THEM away?"

"Don’t ask me," she laughed.

"Why you know that I can!"

Then she picked up the plot holes

And away the cat ran.

"I can clean up these plot holes

Before you count three!

No holes are too hard

For a Hat Cat like me!"

She ran to the infirmary

And then the cat said,

"It’s good the infirmary

Has the right kind of bed."

Then she lay the plot down!


A bed with a plot!?

And all I could say was,

"Now what, Cat?

Now what?"

But the cat just stood still.

She just looked at the bed.

"I can NOT write about empty beds,"

The cat said.

"To take plots off this bed

Will be hard said the cat.

"I can’t do it alone,"

Said the Cat in the Hat.

"It is good I have someone

To help me," she said.

"Right here in my hat

On the top of my head!

It is good that I have her

Under my tall Cat Hat.

She helps me a lot.

She’s my friend, ALICAT.

Then AliCat

Took the hat off her head.

"It is good I have someone

To help me," she said.

"This is Little Cat BREE.

And I keep her about,

And when I need help

Then I let her come out."

And then Bree said

"I think we need Little Cat C.

That plot is too much

For AliCat and me.

But now, have no fear!

We will clean it away!

With Little Cat Caldera, B and A!"

"Come on! Take it away!"

Yelled Little Cat A.

"I’ll blast that old plot

With this staff! Do you see!

It comes off the old bed!

And lands on the I.V!

And then Little Cat B

Cleaned up the I.V.

He cleaned it with ink,

Put the plot in a jar!

And then C blew it out

Using a T.E.R!

"But look where it went!"

I said. "Look where it blew!

You blew the plot

Out of the room. That is true.

Now there’s paperwork plots!

You can’t let THEM stay!"

"Let us think about that now,"

Said C, B and A.

"With some help, we can do it!"

Said Little Cat C.

Then POP! On her head

We saw Little Cat D...(IVA)!


Evan, Foster and Goll (Ya!)

"We will clean up that paperwork

If it takes us all day!

If it takes us all night,

Because that is our way!"

Said Little Cats G, F, E, D, C, B, A.

They ran from the infirmary

And we ran out too.

And the Big Cat laughed,

"Now you will see something new!

My cats are good writers.

My cats tell good stories.

They’ll write in your reports

That you’re all such BRAVE Tau’ris!"

But this did not look

Very clever to me.

Plotlines in report files?

That just could not be!

"All this does is make MORE plots!"

We yelled at the cat.

"Your cats are no good.

Put them back in your hat.

"Take your Little Cats G,

F, E, D, C, B, A.

Put them back in your hat

And you take them away!"

"Oh, no!" said the cat.

"All they need is more help.

Help is all that they need.

So keep still and don’t yelp."

Then Little Cat Goll

Took the hat off her head.

"I have Little Cat HARRSCH

Here to help us," she said.

"Little Cats Harrsch, INKET, JB,

KARAMEL, LOOPY, and MARTIN, you see.

But our work is so hard

We need much more than them.

We need Little Cat NICHOLS,



"Come on! Fix those plots!

Fix this mess!" yelled the cats.

And they rewrote those reports

Using Sam Carter’s stats.

And they wrote them in series, round robins, cross-o’ers,

Adding angst and hurt/comfort and musical scores.

Oh, the things that they wrote!

And they wrote them so well,

It was all one big plot now

What a story to tell!

But the Big Cat just stood there

And she said, "This is good.

This is what they should do

And I knew that they would."

"With a little more help,

All the work will be done.

They need one more cat.

And I know just the one."

"Look close! In my hand

(There’s no Little Cat V...)

But there’s Little Cat Wampler! and Yum!

And... Z!"

Z is too new to see.

So don’t try. You can not.

But Z is the cat

Who will finish the plot!"

"Now here is the Z

You can’t see," said the Cat.

"And I bet you can’t guess

What she has in HER hat!

"She has something called THE END.

The End is so hard to get,

You’ve never read anything

Like it, I bet.

Why, The End clears up everything

Clear as can be!"

Then she yelled

"Take your hat off now,

Little Cat Z!

Take The End off your head!

Make it clear up that plot!

Hurry! You Little Cat!

End this tale with a DOT!"

She put THE END...

At the end!

And, oh, boy! What an END!

Now don’t ask how it ends.

Just read on till it stops.

But, boy! Let me tell you

It DOES clean up plots!

"So you see!" laughed the Cat,

"Your reports are all tight!

Now your work is all done!

And the base is alright!

And you know where my Little Cat writers all stay?

Why, that ENDING just blew all those cool cats away!

And so, If you ever

Need plots, now and then,

I will be happy

To come back again...

"...with Little Cats AliCat, Bree, Cauldera, Diva...

Evans, Foster, Goll...

Harrsch, Inket, Jb, Karamel...

Loopy, Martin, Nichols...,

And OzKaren, Parkinson...

... ‘Q’, Rheanna, Stouse, Tervo...

and Cat Untch and Cat ‘V’...

and Little Cats Wampler, ‘X’


and Z!"



© January 7, 2000 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp.
The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa’uld and all other characters
who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names,
titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television,
Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd.
This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and
solely meant for entertainment.
All other characters, the story idea and the story itself
are the sole property of the author.

This takes the form of a silly little tribute to all the SG-1 fan fic writers I’ve immensely enjoyed reading! Even though it’s impossible to mention all your names in this one story, I think you’re ALL GREAT for various reasons!