The idea still has an air that just spills… strange whenever he turns it around in his mind. he still can't say that he didn’t ever presume of it crossing his mind before, because that would be a lie and he’s been trying to quit having those weighing down on his conscious… but actively having that thought as a passing trial of 'what-if 's or 'what-could-have-been’s, that comes and goes from time to time, is nothing like actually believing that it could ever...happen.
That he can have it in a tangible form of solid, touchable reality.
Dean just doesn't have the ability to connect the thought before to the reality after .
And it really shouldn't be the case because they're finally here, now. they finally can have it, the thought, the idea and the fact.
It's real and true, as palpable as Cas' presence beside him. As warm as Cas' hand in his. As powerful and beautiful and pure as their.. .love.
And yeah, he still finds it difficult to believe that it’s ‘theirs’ and ‘ours’ and ‘we’s, not the lone “I’ he believed the case to be. The revelation, it’s liberating on its own merit, the simple fact that they’re, in every way there’s, there was and that can ever be, together now.
The freedom in that very should've-been-always-that-simple fact … Dean is still in the experimenting stage with the concept of it. And he knows it in the depth of his very core; Cas is having the exact same experience as his.
They are standing together at the doorstep of the “who to move forward after we saved the whole wide universe... again” paradox, with a ridiculous amount of time to spare and a million things, wishes to do and explore and generally just… feel.
He doesn’t think it’s easy and it’s somehow all kind of insane that they get to have all of that opening its arms for them to scoop whatever they want, and they hardly believe, Cas even more so than him, that they get to be just humans after being the heroes for so long.
It’s a upcurve battle with his mind, believing in him deserving every mundane ordinary thing that the world could offer.
And he’s slowly learning, they all are.
Though with all that in mind, he doesn’t really believe that he can ever bypass all the times he wished and was just content with wishing... Because now he gets to have them.
And it’s better than he ever thought it could be.
Saying, as it was, that he didn’t ever imagine the mere possibility of him and Cas, having a peaceful night out together with no care for the world outside of each other's presence in the here and now. Both of them are sitting under the shining, twinkling night sky, fearing nothing and no one at all. Thinking about nothing important in particular. Feeling at pace with just being silent for the time being and just having the moment for what it is. For how it shapes or centers nothing other than the two of them in the frame of it.
And how he’s cherishing it like the precious memory that it’s making long before it even begins to end.
Because he feels like it, and it’s not that he has to do so. It's the simple fact that he can have these moments with Cas all the time from now on and just the act of preserving them as the priceless pieces of their life together that these moments are is just the way he chooses to go with life now.
For the longest times his thoughts were on the side of “I can’t”, “I shouldn't”, “I’m not supposed to feel that way… about us… about him”. His thoughts were always tainted with guilt and fear, they were always bordering on the side of “I can’t have him” and an awful lot of the times they were fixating on the one excruciating thought of “he can’t- he doesn’t feel this way about me… about us”.
So just … the fact that he has him now, that he in a way always had Cas, exactly like all the ways in which Cas always had, and will have him. These moments of them just… being are too perfect to be glossed over or forgotten.
“Hey, Cas!” he suddenly finds himself saying, like he can’t- doesn’t want, on some deep subconscious level, to push these thoughts… feelings away and down, that he should share them, has to speak them and experience them alongside with Cas for the idea to settle into the truest form of itself... Has to be it for him to have it completely.
And it’s like he can find new meaning to Cas’ confession all over again, after all those months, without even having to actively try to seek new meaning behind the feelings and the words.
And if not this new need is its own kind of unfolding.
It’s all similar and nothing at all new. and he wants every minute of it. He’s too, like he always does, wanting everything he can possibly find in the moment to share it with Cas.
“Yes, Dean!”, Cas answers, turning his face for its position facing the stars to direct his gaze with all its intensity at Dean…only Dean. And it appears that when he sees the same expression on Dean's face, and all at once it’s like he shifts his whole being to face him. Blue gaze not hiding from the green eyes, the ones which understandably were too tired of the shading and the running and the hiding.
Cas is searching, with his eyes, with the entirety of his being and Dean is so full with feelings, he has to share.
"You know, buddy! ـــ or I guess you really have no clue on whatever the hell I am about to say here ـــ but ــ just stick with me here a little, alright? ـــ”, he pauses and release a breath in small calming huffs: “ـــ all gonna make sense in a bit, promise. You just gonna let me say what I gotta say here without cutting in ـــ” , he cast his eyes down for a second, just for a second so that he can pass himself, and then they’re up and s\meeting Cas’ search with one of their own: “ ـــ you good with that?”
Cas besides him remains still except for the eye. He hums for Dean to continue with an encouraging nod of his head then lifts a hand to crease Dean’s cheek softly until it lands on the nape of his neck, playing with the now longer hair, acting like an anchor, grounding him with its presence there.
“I don’t think you can’t really guess how many times I pictured you, just like you’re now ــــ saw you sitting in the exact same place you’re in now, right beside me…”, Dean begins to explains after a minute, never leaving Cas’ eyes: “ ـــ how many times you and I were exactly like this, alone sitting not five feet apart, here on the front seat of my baby, or kicking it back for a few minutes out on the hood or ــــ or even the few times I got to ride with you in one of your crappy-ass tracks.” and he stops just for a second, just for a moment because his emotions are too much in this very second, too real and too strong and he is unable to keep them in the same way he can’t find an easy way to come outright, to finally say them. And he didn’t even make it to the point of this rumble yet…
“All the times that we were sitting like this for real, except it never did feel like this, not the same, never the same. Because every single time of... of those we were out of time, always were out of time. Always some cosmic entitled asshole thought we were fair game and they had our necks at the line again. So we never to just ـــ be… y’know! ـــ we never get to just sit together out in the open all ـــ with our feelings and shit out there for us both to see and feel. And it’s intoxicating, man! You don’t know how much ــــ”, he stops to pace himself, and he finds himself in need of a breath too deep so that he can continue:
“You gotta know by now how much I didn’t think we can have this, Cas! I really didn’t… and it’s not that I thought we didn’t deserve to have this either, it's just that the world always, always was against us. You know that , as well as I do, by now ـــ”, and he’d admit, he didn’t know how much that statement was true before chuck, before god himself admit that he didn’t mean for them to happen, that he was against them, always against the thought of them. And that fact was as much help for dean’s mind as it was torture of its own , but he will not stop at it for long to actually think, now is not the time anyway,
“ and like the thought, the hope that we could get to have this, this simple moment… back then! Back then it was next to impossible to not find depressing because it was just all sorts of wishful thinking and hell knows that we didn’t have any time for that before. But like… I need you to understand how much this means to me right now, being here with you like this, ـــ”
He’s rumbling, he knows he does, and still, Cas is looking at him like he hanged all of the stars right above, it’s too much but it feels so right like he finally can deserve the look and its owner. It just fits perfectly with the moment and he won’t have it any other way.
Somehow, he can feel Cas having similar thought,
"Dean, I — ", he starts but Dean doesn't give him enough time to finish it. Not now… not yet.
“ just ـــ just let me finish, okay!”
Cas softly yet admittedly in a more gravel pitch than he used all night, grumbles: “alright.”
“It’s just ـــ You gotta believe me, man! I’ve never felt the ـــ it’s just ــــ everything ــــ everything that i feel with you, about you, I’ve never felt about anyone but you ever before, ـــ not with anyone i tried to be with, and you know how low that bar is… people in their 40s usually would have at least a good ol’ long term relationship where feelings are just out in the open and all parts involved are aware each person’s need, wants and all that shit ـــ and like I’ve never had a go in that road before. ــــ and yeah believe me, I know… I know that we, you and me, have the longest relationship I’ve ever had, either of us if we are looking at it from that angle but just table that for a later ـــ”
“Don’t interpret me, dude! I'm having a moment here!”
“ but Dean!... Just, just listen for a minute ــــ ”
“Yeah yeah I know! But hear me out, all the feelings that I have for you, all that we have for each other we get a chance to live it now man! It just so much all the time you’ve got to understand ـــــ”
“Dean, I love you.”
“Me too, Cas. me too, you don’t know how much, but I love you too.”
“I know, believe me I do, but just… let’s watch the stars for now okay!”
“Yeah, let’s do that, but you got what I’m saying didn’t you?”
“Okay, good! good ــــ”, and he’s quite for half a minute before it’s all need’s out again,
“So, do you remember what I told you about every time I needed to tell you I loved you but couldn’t or didn’t have the time to say it in the past?ـــ”
“Dean!, I swear to ــــ”
“Okay okay don’t get your panties in a twist! Quite... stars, got it”
And Cas just huffs a: “think you!” with an air of finally to it, so Dean has no choice but to drag him by the arm, and cuddle him closer still.
And it’s always warm in Cas’ embrace, ‘yeah’, he thinks, ‘let’s sit in the quite for a minute’.